Self Destruct

Repeat this statement:  “The destruction of myself…begins with me.”  I wonder what would happen if we blamed ourselves for everything that has happened to us.  Not those things that are truly beyond our control but I am talking about those things we are totally accountable for.  The bad choices we have made…the wrong paths we have taken.  Unfortunately not everything is someone else’s fault.  But the majority of our irrational beliefs lead us to blame others for our flaws.  It is VERY difficult to look in the mirror and face the ugly truth about ourselves.  Even we can’t hide from our own faults.  Our most personal relationship besides with God is with ourselves.  I go to sleep every night and wake up every morning with me.  How I feel about myself when I close my eyes usually awakes me like a bucket of cold water when I reopen them.  It is amazing how often I wake up mad with me, hating me, mistreating me, not loving me…

It’s funny because there are times when I treat others better than myself.  Simple things but profound when put into perspective.  For example, I won’t drive like a speed demon or drive in inclement weather when I have passengers.  I value their life too much and would not be able to live with myself if something happened while I was in control of the vehicle.  But I would do those things if I were in the car alone. Hmmmmm…what does that say about how much I value my own life?  I will not bring certain male friends/associates around my family, friends, or students.  But I will consort with them outside of others…why?  If they are not “valued” enough to be introduced to family or friends (people’s whom opinions are of significance to me) then why am I wasting time with them in private?  I will encourage others to be role models and lead by example, yet I shy away from that calling.  Mainly because I know I am flawed and I don’t want my mistakes to become “contagious” per se.

So many defeating thoughts on a daily basis from endless sources make it so hard to be positive.  It is more of a struggle to be positive than negative. Negativity seems to come so naturally.  Backwards but true!  It’s so natural that it will cause you to talk yourself out of a positive situation…Find all the faults before recognizing the good, ponder all the things that could go wrong before considering what could go right.  The self doubt is debilitating.  It will even make you run from relationships.  Why?  Because you cannot pretend to be who you want to be without the person you really are showing up at some point.  And when in a real relationship, all of the truths reveal themselves.

We want people to be accepting of us but are we accepting of ourselves?  We want people to look past our flaws but do we look past our own?  We want others to forgive us but do we forgive ourselves?  It’s only when we truly love and accept ourselves that we can love and accept others.  Otherwise we are constantly looking for love in the form of validation from others rather than looking for true love from within.  “Superman” can’t save us from ourselves.  We have to wear our own cape and go on a very personal rescue mission.  Until then, we will continue to self destruct.