Dreams Deferred…

I haven’t written in awhile.  Mainly because I just didn’t know what to write about.  My mind has been all over the place and I can’t really pin point one thing to focus on.  That is the demise of my situation and the reason for my current state of mind as I write.  I had something weird happen to me and I am trying to “write it out.”  I hope it helps.

I am not a huge believer in horoscopes i.e. I read them but I don’t think they are prophecies or anything like that.  The one I got last night told me that I would have a dream and the dream would be disturbing enough for me to wake up in a frenzy.  Furthermore it told me not to worry about the people in the dream but more so what happened in the dream because that would be the message.  It also told me to write it down.

Unfortunately I rarely remember my dreams and if I do, it is only for a brief moment after I wake up.  The same happened this morning but now I am a bit upset that I can’t recall it because just as my horoscope stated, I woke up from this dream in a frenzy.  The people who were in the dream were not relevant to the message but I do at least remember the message which confirmed some things that I have been swaying over.

I titled this blog Dreams Deferred because I feel like I have not done some things that I want to do.  Lately I have had the pleasure of coming into contact with people that are reminding me to LIVE.  They have come in the strangest of packages too.  One was a complete stranger who reminded me that misery follows you everywhere you go and running away from the problem won’t make it go away.  As simple as it sounds, it was quite profound in its delivery.  Another was a project I was asked to participate in requesting that I write a letter to my younger self.  I never would have thought I would be telling my younger self some of the same things my parents told me.  Oh so many lessons learned!  Lastly was a comment from a sniper who stated that he does not care about dying but he does care about LIVING!  That was the best one.  He truly had an “it is what it is”/live in the moment mentality and I found myself envying that.

Yesterday I wrote down the date and realized that it was almost February.  Moreover, I realized that January was a blur.  2010 was a blur.  2009 is fuzzy…That is not how I want my life to be.  I don’t want to think back on the past and have blurred or fuzzy moments.  For me, those are indicators that I was not in a good space and I have mentally blocked out the memories because they evoke some type of negative mood.  I want to do better and I want to have better memories.

With that being said, today I decided that I am going to allow myself to dream.  I mean truly DREAM!  I will no longer talk myself out of or rationalize why my dreams cannot or should not come true.  Whether it is a day dream, night dream, nightmare, fantasy…I am going to allow it.  And then I am going to take the good or learn the lesson from it and make it happen.  I think it is awesome that when we were kids no one really disputed our dreams or fantasies.  We truly thought we could do and be anything.  Of course reality set in and we realized that we needed more than a wand and three wishes for our dreams to come to fruition.  But that still doesn’t mean they can’t come true.  They can…we just have to believe they can.  Dreams are equivalent to prayers and God promised He would answer them.  So let’s DREAM together! Besides, what do we have to lose?

Confusion

A simple, single word that wreaks havoc at the most inopportune moments.  What to do?  What to say?  How to act?  With this being a season of harvest, I would have thought things would have been a lot easier to handle.  But it seems as if the smarter and wiser I get, the more baffled I become.  Seeking God is a gamble i.e. you never know what you are going to get.  Sometimes you get a quick answer.  Other times, you might get sheer silence.  The most awkward response is when He shows you something and then changes His mind and sends you in a different direction.  Sometimes I wonder if God has comedy shows because I truly feel like He is getting his 7 chuckles in on me.  And the worst part is that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.  NOTHING!  I wouldn’t trade my love for and obedience to God for anything but that doesn’t mean this journey is not frustrating.  I am being tried and stretched more than a little bit and I am not certain how much more elastic my spirit has left.  My heart has expanded and contracted so much that it has stretch marks.  So now what?  I see the light at the end of the tunnel.  However, it almost feels like a mirage.  It’s not blinding…it’s almost fading.  I’m not sure which one is worse.  What I do know is that I have a cloud hovering over me and a blanket in my hand waiting for something (unsure what) to happen.  In the meantime, I scratch my naked temple almost to the white meat trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

A Love Letter to Dance

Dear Dance,

I have missed you greatly.  I can’t begin to explain how heartbroken I have been in your absence.  I’m not quite sure how we got estranged.  I think I started to doubt you.  Moreover, I started to doubt myself with you.  You were so good to me.  You always made me feel better when I was down.  I would wake up in the morning thinking about you and couldn’t wait to see you every day.  You had the answer to all of my woes.  But things became stagnant between us.  Seems like we reached a plateau and I didn’t know how to handle that.  Suddenly we weren’t doing the things we use to.  Our visits became less.  Our interaction lacked the passion it once had.  I started to view you as a chore.  At some point it became painful to be with you.  We still had our moments that were like old times.  That is what kept us together.  However, it wasn’t enough.  I even ventured out and tried to date others although none of them compared to you.  They still don’t compare to you.  When I am with you, I literally float on air.  I don’t even have to speak.  The smile on my face says it all.  Nothing else matters when we are together.  NOTHING!  You are like chicken soup to my soul.  Regardless of how long or how often we are separated, it’s always like the “first time” when we meet again.  I’m sorry I have let you down.  I started not to believe in you anymore.  I felt betrayed for awhile.  But now I realize it was me.  I started not to believe in me anymore.  When you reached out to me recently, I wasn’t sure how to respond.  I thought I was over you.  I was willing to accept that you had moved on and would no longer be a part of my life.  I had said my good bye for the last time.  However, when you touched me, I fell in love with you all over again.  And it feels so good!  I’ve come to realize that you are my soul mate.  No matter how much I try to leave you or you leave me, we will always come back to each other.  Why?  Because you are my TRUE love.  And because of that, I promise to NEVER leave you again.  We are one, always and forever!

Yours Truly,

A Dancer

When Your Fairytale Comes True...

What do you do when your fairytale comes true?  Have you ever gotten what you asked for?  Literally?  It’s funny to me how we pray fervently for things and then when we get them we run scared.  Better yet, we question it.  We make comments such as “It’s too good to be true” closely followed by a barrage of questions to turn something positive into something negative.  If someone is nice to us at work, we think “they must be up to something.”  If a man gives us flowers we think “he just wants some booty.”  If a relative gives us money we think “they will be asking for it back soon.”  Why such negativity?  Do we really believe that we are so horrible that we are not deserving of God’s blessings?  I think it is an insult to God to question our answered prayers.  I have been guilty of praying for MANY things only to get them and scrutinize the situation to pieces.  By the time I am done there is nothing good about the situation left to enjoy. 

What would happen if we allowed ourselves to enjoy the blessing?  To not question it but just hang on for the ride?  If someone is nice to us at work, it should make us happy.  If we receive a financial blessing, we should enjoy it.  If we have a happy relationship, we should be thankful for it!  I think we sometimes poison our own gardens.  If there are no weeds, we question the fruit.  Beautiful fruit hanging from the vines ripe for the picking, and we let it sit there opting to look and possibly touch it but never pick it.  Is it better to try and fail or not try at all? 

And why do we let others assist us in turning our clear glass of water into a murky brown substance unknown to most?  We allow others to help us create the questions in our mind…Others help us doubt God’s true power.  Last I was told, if something happens unexpectedly or without tangible reason, it HAS to be God!  That should make us excited…but instead it stimulates fear.  Isn’t that backwards?  We should be screaming from the mountaintops about what God has done for us.  Nevertheless we sit on the “secret” until it seems reasonable and within the expectation of the world’s timing.  Hmmmm….doesn’t sound too smart when looked at from that perspective.

You see, smart ones recognize when they are being ignorant.  Those filled with love recognize when they are being hateful.  Those who want to learn from their mistakes quickly acknowledge when they have made one.  My honest belief is that when we insult or question God’s blessing, He takes it away from us.  Since we can’t appreciate it, He repossesses it.  How many times have you complained about something, had your situation turned around, but still found something to complain about only to end up returning to the state of the original situation.  Time to start speaking positive and give praise for ALL things.  Perhaps if God could see that we are happy with what little He has given us, He will be more apt to give us more.  Point to ponder:  To whom much is given, much is required...The more blessings we receive the more praise we must give…Are you ready to give for what you get?

Self Destruct

Repeat this statement:  “The destruction of myself…begins with me.”  I wonder what would happen if we blamed ourselves for everything that has happened to us.  Not those things that are truly beyond our control but I am talking about those things we are totally accountable for.  The bad choices we have made…the wrong paths we have taken.  Unfortunately not everything is someone else’s fault.  But the majority of our irrational beliefs lead us to blame others for our flaws.  It is VERY difficult to look in the mirror and face the ugly truth about ourselves.  Even we can’t hide from our own faults.  Our most personal relationship besides with God is with ourselves.  I go to sleep every night and wake up every morning with me.  How I feel about myself when I close my eyes usually awakes me like a bucket of cold water when I reopen them.  It is amazing how often I wake up mad with me, hating me, mistreating me, not loving me…

It’s funny because there are times when I treat others better than myself.  Simple things but profound when put into perspective.  For example, I won’t drive like a speed demon or drive in inclement weather when I have passengers.  I value their life too much and would not be able to live with myself if something happened while I was in control of the vehicle.  But I would do those things if I were in the car alone. Hmmmmm…what does that say about how much I value my own life?  I will not bring certain male friends/associates around my family, friends, or students.  But I will consort with them outside of others…why?  If they are not “valued” enough to be introduced to family or friends (people’s whom opinions are of significance to me) then why am I wasting time with them in private?  I will encourage others to be role models and lead by example, yet I shy away from that calling.  Mainly because I know I am flawed and I don’t want my mistakes to become “contagious” per se.

So many defeating thoughts on a daily basis from endless sources make it so hard to be positive.  It is more of a struggle to be positive than negative. Negativity seems to come so naturally.  Backwards but true!  It’s so natural that it will cause you to talk yourself out of a positive situation…Find all the faults before recognizing the good, ponder all the things that could go wrong before considering what could go right.  The self doubt is debilitating.  It will even make you run from relationships.  Why?  Because you cannot pretend to be who you want to be without the person you really are showing up at some point.  And when in a real relationship, all of the truths reveal themselves.

We want people to be accepting of us but are we accepting of ourselves?  We want people to look past our flaws but do we look past our own?  We want others to forgive us but do we forgive ourselves?  It’s only when we truly love and accept ourselves that we can love and accept others.  Otherwise we are constantly looking for love in the form of validation from others rather than looking for true love from within.  “Superman” can’t save us from ourselves.  We have to wear our own cape and go on a very personal rescue mission.  Until then, we will continue to self destruct.

A Letter to my Exes

Love don't live here anymore. Not for you anyway. You couldn't appreciate what you had...until I took it from you. And now you are calling, texting, emailing, and showing up unannounced trying to tempt me with foul bile from your lips. I think not. 

You still haven't gotten your ish together. But now you frontin like you know better. My vision is clear. I am no longer swayed by your lies. The fog is lifted. I see right through you. All the the fiction you fed me was poisoned. The three acts of your play were worthy of oscar buzz. I fell for it. You were talented...but sloppy. I found the original playwright and called you on it. You had no lines. The truth would have set you free but you chose prison over me. It's all good though...karma!

Back then I racked my brain rendering insomnia trying to figure out my role in your movie. Leading lady or extra? I found out that I wasn't even on the set. I went through an identity crisis as I blamed myself for your shortcomings...touché. I labeled myself with characteristics that did not belong to me...I was a reflection of you right? You were the worst and in turn brought out the worst in me. Thanks to my free will I was able to catch myself from turning into the dark leech that you already had become sucking the life and love out of me. Most think I should hate you...

But I don't.
Thanks to you I have learned a valuable lesson about love. Thanks to you I know how to spot a phony who does not have my best interest at heart. Thanks to you, I know how to appreciate the one who knows how to appreciate me. Thanks to you, I am free to be me. I am free to give and receive real love without the intricacies of deceit. Thanks to you, someone who deserves me is getting the absolute best of me. Thanks to you, I am the epitome of love. And I'm sure you hate me, because you can't have me. But isn't that the story of life? Hindsight is 20/20. And I know I look good to you, but I'm over it now. Nonetheless, I still want to say Thank You!

Free Association

Today I decided to just sit down and type.  Whatever comes to mind is what shall be “written.”  Aaaaaaaaannnnnndddddd ACTION!

Are you what you want others to be?  In his song Statistics, Lyfe Jennings stated “don’t be a nickel out here looking for a dime.”  Powerful and true.  If you want to have a best friend, be a best friend.  Don’t just call when you need help.  Check on the other person.  Pick up the phone and say “I just called to see how YOU were doing.”  Actually listen to them sometimes.  Be the lending ear that you want others to be.

If you want a good man, be a good woman.  Quit bitching and complaining about what he won’t do and appreciate what he does do.  Maybe if you quit criticizing him so much, he will do more.  Ok, so he didn’t wash the clothes like you would have.  But they got washed didn’t they?  Your way is not always the best way.  I have often heard this quote and now I totally believe in it…Do you want to be “right” or do you want to be “happy” in your relationship? 

If you want a good woman, be a good man.  Don’t make promises that you are not going to keep.  Don’t say you are going to do something and then don’t do it.  Furthermore, don’t act like everything is ok after YOU fucked up.  Don’t call 3 days later when you were suppose to call 10 minutes later.  Really?  Does that add up to you?  And you have the nerve to ask us “what’s wrong?” 

When relationships go awry, don’t always assume there is another person.  Maybe the problem is you.  Perhaps you aren’t doing your part.  Maybe you aren’t still doing the things you use to do in the relationship when it first began.  Perhaps you are getting in the way of your own happiness.  Be committed to go the distance.  Especially if you are married…you made a promise to God.  I don’t think you want to break that one.

A reflection of 2010 has definitely made me anxious and excited about 2011.  I am beginning to get my hopes up but I also don’t want to be let down.  I don’t want to seem cliché-ish as if I only reflect once a year.  I reflect often because I am constantly evolving.  But it is hard not to do it twice as much when everyone else is making resolutions and such.  Guilty by association I suppose.  Nonetheless, I have been using several mantras as of late i.e. “I have tunnel vision in 2011,”  “I’m going to dance/laugh as much as I can in 2011,” “I’m over it before it begins in 2011,” and “Zero tolerance in 2011.”  These sayings all have different sources but the ultimate outcome is a better me.

The cycle is everlasting.  I had a physician tell me once that the human being is like a table with 4 legs.  If 1 of the 4 legs is not stable, the table will wobble.  I realize that my 4 legs of my table are mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional.  The devil attacks me in the same way each time.  And when one of my legs becomes unstable, I began to falter in other areas.  Pretty soon my whole damn table has hit the ground and I have to figure out how to put it back together again.  The other day a person I never expected to hear say something this profound made me think about the table analogy from a different angle.  He said “I have been trying to manage myself but it is impossible to manage instability.”  Hmmmm…I have been trying desperately to keep my table from wobbling.  I have put a piece of paper under the short leg of the table but it only last temporarily.  I tried to move the table around or close to a wall for extra support to no avail.  Still shaky!  I have realized that I have no choice but to fix the broken leg…period.  That may require a little or a lot…but it requires something and it also requires immediate attention.

Thanks to this wobbly leg, I have been in limbo about life.  I had yet another person that I did not expect to learn anything from say to me that having so many talents is a blessing and a curse in that you can do so many things but you can’t seem to focus on one thing to do.  True!  I have been blessed with the use of both sides of my brain.  Yet I still find myself searching for me…trying to figure out who I am and where I fit in.  I don’t mind breaking the mold per se but my putty still seems too soft.  I have no form to conform to so that I can rebel and become an individual.  It’s much like that cruel joke…which came first the chicken or the egg?

Regardless, I am attempting to look at this adventure to the “center of me” in a positive light.  View it as a reinvention of myself.  Frame it as my second life.  Create a fresh me from scratch.  I will be taking my blog followers along for the ride.  Best buckle up!  It might be a bumpy ride but much worth it!