TRI-FULL-ING (aka trifling but with 3 syllables)

I have been sitting on this one for awhile.  My pot finally boileth over today.  My fingertips are on fire because I can’t type fast enough to keep with all the thoughts in my mind….

Disclaimer:  I apologize in advance if this comes across as a bitter black woman rant.  Tis not the purpose.  I wish I had not lived or witnessed any of these accounts.  But I have.  And now I must vent!

Let me first explain the title of this blog.  We all know what trifling means (I hope).  But I broke it down to better suit my needs.  TRI is divided into three parts:  1) T stands for the Trickery, 2) R for the Romanticizing and 3) I for the Ignorance.  The FULL is because the men that did these things are full of shit!  And ING is just the standard ending for this particular adjective.

I suppose every man is fed up with the male bashing that ensues on a daily basis.  My response to that would be stop doing stupid shit!  Or better yet, if you know some men who are doing stupid shit and giving you a bad name, call them on it and set an example by not letting the stupid shit spread like the plague.  Be the solution, not the problem!

I digress…

I have been receiving several “hits” to my perception of reality as of late.  I feel like I am in the movie Inception.  I’m not quite sure what is real and what isn’t.  In an effort for you to understand the end, let me go to the beginning.

Until I moved to the thriving city of Atlanta, I had never been concerned about being hit on by a married man.  I could not believe my eyes or ears when it happened.  I noticed a wedding band and queried about it.  He was honest and told me he was married but then asked “what does that have to do with us?”  US?  I didn’t think it could be an “us” if there is a “them.”  I’m sure his wife thought they were an “us” too.  That was my first taste of Atlanta.  Needless to say as time went on, the game evolved and men are now taking dating and infidelity to a new level.

Within a short period of time I was lied to on so many levels I began to believe that the sun was not yellow.  People’s wives and girlfriends were calling me asking me how I knew their husband/boyfriend. .. My take?…I am not the one to call another woman.  However, if another woman calls me and asks me questions in a respectful manner, I will answer.  I don’t lie for men especially if they are in the wrong.  Fortunately none of these women were mean, nasty, or hostile.  They simply noticed some odd behaviors from their mates which coincided with them finding my number as well as some other numbers.  We had very civilized conversations and it was over.  I give God praise for allowing me to find out within a couple of weeks of meeting these people that they were TRI-FULL-ING.  But the evolution did not end there.

At some point the stakes were raised.  I started getting requests to be a mistress.  I got offers to pay my bills, rent, car note, etc.  I was promised trips and shopping sprees.   I was even offered a down payment of sorts.  This all sounded swell since I kept running into nothing but liars anyway.  I rationalized that if I was going to deal with a man who was possibly had another wife/woman, then I might as well reap some benefits.  All I had to do was be the ghost girlfriend and keep my mouth shut.  And I know he would have done it because he had done it for me before when we were both single.  Doesn’t sound that hard huh?  It was tempting I must admit.  But I could not accept. I’m trying to get into heaven ya know…

In the midst of all this, I am questioning myself.  Trickery 101, make the woman question herself.  What made me the target for these men?  Was I sending some type of telepathic message that I could be cajoled into being the other woman or one of many women?  Did I not deserve better?  I realized that a man has to be very smart to get away with playing a woman for an extended period of time.  Yes, this blog is not for the novice TRI-FULL-ER but for the expert!  The ones that have built their life of lies on this debauchery…  Of course it starts with mind games.  Trick the woman into believing that despite the situation, you care for her….GOLD STAR!

Then comes the Romance!  They would offer me things that I was not getting at the time.  This is very typical of a man trying to lure a woman from the arms of another man.  Especially if he is offering great sex and she is feeling a little bored in the bedroom.  But it also works very well on single women in Atlanta because many are starving for attention.  So here he comes giving his best lines, spending quality time, giving good sex and telling you that you are the only one!  The only one that he thinks about, wants to be with, and the ultimate…the only one that he loves.  Yes!  The key term in Romance is love.  Who doesn’t want to hear they are loved?  It gives the trickery an extra boost.  Kind of validates the lies only the woman doesn’t know it is a lie just yet….

That’s when Ignorance comes into play.  Men really think they will not get caught.  And what baffles me is that they know we are the smarter sex but they continue with the games despite this proven fact.  The Trickery and Romance continues until they are caught.  And I mean CAUGHT!  But what do they do when they are caught?  Resort to more Trickery and Romance!  Are you serious?  Some of the things I have heard have truly made me want to vomit i.e. “You will be treated like #1 but you just won’t be.”  I am not an R. Kelly song!

I never thought I would consider being a nun.  Most recently I considered not dating at all for a period of 90 days just to clear my head of all the trash that it has been filled with.  I have heard some women say that they have turned to other women because of the games men play.  Not my style and not judging but becoming a lesbian due to a man’s actions is quite profound. 

Again, this blog is not to generalize all men’s actions.  There are some TRI-FULL-ING women out there too who feed into this cycle of evolution.  A blog will be forthcoming on them as well.  They piss me off just as much because they are making it hard for me.  I digress again.  Bottom line…A change has got to start somewhere or one day we are going to turn around and turn into pillars of salt. TRI-FULL-ING pillars of salt!

What Really Matters...

Today I returned to work after a mini vacation of which I got much accomplished. But the office was not it's usual setting. It was morgue quiet. Everyone was to themselves including me. I was hoping that the office buzz and after effects of the holiday would pull me from my 'blah' mood but no such success. Instead I am left to my thoughts as I sit in my office awaiting...not sure if that is a good thing today.
 
This morning I wanted to pack a small bag and leave...indefinitely. No destination. Just a plane ticket and adventure. I'm not even sure if I would have told anyone where I was going. The thing is that I have had mornings like his before. I get tired of groundhog day and I just want to GO. I read about people who do it all the time. Why can't I?

I remember when I read Eat, Pray, Love and the feeling that it left me with. I so wanted to shut everything down and travel for a year just to find myself. It's very hard to do soul searching when your life keeps interrupting. 

People in other countries believe in enjoying life. They take off 2-3 months a year to travel. The hours that they work allow for long breaks in the middle of the day. They are not defined by how much property they own or if they are rich. They truly believe in QUALITY of life!  But in this society, we work unbelievable hours. Our days off are spent trying to catch up on much needed rest. We stress over bills, relationships, family, and jobs...things that are beyond our control. And when we look back, all we see is a blur.

One of the things that irks me the most is how materialistic we have become. People are literally losing their minds because they can't get their children gifts for Christmas. Really? Christmas is not about gifts. It's about Christ. I'm not against giving gifts but we really need to remember the reason for the season. I have a friend whose family tradition is to have her children sing Happy Birthday to Jesus every Christmas. They even buy a cake with candles. Now that is instilling the true meaning of Christmas.

And as we come into another year, we make all these vows that we are going to make even more materialistic changes. Lose weight, get a house, etc. Is anyone making realistic resolutions? How about deciding to spend more time studying God's word? How about burying grudges? Perhaps you need to make amends in your marriage or relationship. Stop lying or deceiving others. Keep the promises that you make. Be a better mother or father. Be a better friend, sister or brother.  Be healthy so you can live to tell about it!

Frankly I am beyond sick of making materialistic resolutions. This year I am about a makeover for my soul. No 'tangible' goals! Everything is going to be about having a better spirit and whatever that entails. Because when it is all said and done, what will you remember me by?

The Obituary

I was recently challenged to write my own obituary.  I am to start from the beginning and create my own ending.  At first, I paused…then closed the book that issued the challenge.  I felt an instant headache simply because I did not know where to begin nor did I know how I wanted my story to end.  I even waited 24 hours before I considered completing the task.  Then I found myself here, blogging about it.  In short, I would say my life has been very comfortable in that I grew up in a great household with examples of healthy and long lasting relationships around me.  No traumatic experiences that would garner book or movie deals.  Just life!  I have people I can trust and count on around me at all times.  Yet something is missing…

Some look at my life with envy.  Apparently we wear different glasses.  I get comments such as “You are blessed to be such a great dancer.”  I feel it is sometimes a curse because it gave birth to my body image issues.  Tis bitter sweet to always be complimented on your gift (dance) only to be dismissed because of the wrapping paper (body).  It is torture to see others with less talent gain access to your passion because of their looks/size.  I gracefully bowed out of the lime light.  It’s not worth the obsessions.

Some would say “you are so diverse.”  Yes, I have had many jobs and have worked in several related fields.  However, employers may look at that as “unstable.” I look at it as “I have not found my niche.”  I also look at it as “If I haven’t found it yet, will I ever?”  It’s hard being good at several things but not being great at one thing.  It’s hard being talented in several areas but not having a burning desire to concentrate on one area.  It’s hard being so good at solving other people’s problems but unable to treat your own.

Some would say “Oh! You have so much freedom and can get up and go whenever you want.”  That is a true statement.  But what good is it when all of the people around you have careers, husbands/wives, and/or children that they have commitments to and you are left to do many things alone.  Freedom can also lead to loneliness.

With a past like this, it is hard to create a virtual future…kind of like trying to make a cake but not having all the ingredients.  I would like to be known for being a philanthropist, a motivational speaker, an author, a teacher, a dancer, and a life coach.  I would like to be known for winning the lottery or gaining access to grants and using that money to set examples of how to sow seed into God and the village that it takes to raise a child i.e. the community.  I would like to be known for creating programs for young girls to lift their self esteem so that they don’t get caught up in the booby traps being laid by our corrupt society.  I would like to be known for helping others turn their lives around and move into the greatness God has waiting on them.  I would like to be known for visiting other countries and helping them fight poverty, crime, AIDS, & injustice.  I want to be known for dancing and teaching dance as a way of expression and not judgment.  I want to be known for writing books that help women learn to love themselves from the inside out and not the outside in.  Ultimately, I want to be known for using my God given talents to do God’s will.

Interesting enough, I had a conversation with a friend today and I was stating that I was quite disheartened that I have not completed a book that I began writing in 2008.  Specifically I stated that I did not want to go into 2011 with that same task incomplete.  When she asked me why I had not completed the book, I said “I have not lived the ending that I want the book to have.”  She thought that it was a profound statement.  After I pondered on it further, I realized that maybe I am going about this backwards.  Instead of waiting to live it before I write it, I should write it so I CAN live it.

So this is me writing what I plan on living… I WILL be known for winning the lottery or gaining access to some grants and using that money to set examples of how to sow seed into God and the village that it takes to raise a child i.e. the community.  I WILL be known for creating programs for young girls to lift their self esteem so that they don’t get caught up in the booby traps being laid by our corrupt society.  I WILL be known for helping others turn their lives around and move into the greatness God has waiting on them.  I WILL be known for visiting other countries and helping them fight poverty, crime, AIDS, & injustice.  I WILL be known for dancing and teaching dance as a way of expression and not judgment.  I WILL be known for writing books that help women learn to love themselves from the inside out and not the outside in.  Ultimately, I WILL be known for using my God given talents to do God’s will.

And at the end of my obituary, it shall read “MISSION COMPLETE!”

My Lot

You ever wonder what God’s plan is for you?  What your assignment is?  Why He trusted you with this assignment? 

Apparently I was assigned the Lot of “Messenger.”  Webster’s dictionary defines messenger as somebody who carries messages between people.  This would seem like an esteemed position.  In olden days, messengers would bring great news of visitors or announce royal events.  They were given access to the King and Queen to deliver the message personally.  They were trusted souls…they were expected to deliver the message exactly as it was given to them.  Sometimes they would travel great distances to deliver news. They were fed well and given shelter.  On occasion, they had dinner with some of the officers of the court.

But a new age messenger has to wear a bullet proof vest.  A new age messenger walks into hostile territory knowing that they may not walk out.  But they know their assignment so it has to be done.  And because it is God’s will, it gets done one way or another.  After the message has been delivered, there is no fanfare.  No trumpets sounding.  No offers to break bread or drink wine.  Only teardrops and possible bloodshed. 

And who is left to clean it up?  The Messenger.  Similar to the effects of the current recession, employees are now required to wear many hats.  In the past you performed your one job to the best of your ability.  You were even reprimanded for attempting to do someone else’s job.  Now, you are commanded to do four jobs in one.  It doesn’t matter if you have the ability, time, or tenacity to do so.  You either do your job or get fired.

The funny thing about God is that He won’t fire you though.  He continues to push you until the job is done.  And then He promotes you.  This is a rigorous process because God will continue to test you in the same area until you have a different response.  Yet I continue to give the same reaction.

How much easier would it be just to accept my Lot?  To do my job to the best of my ability?  To just say “Ok God!  I get it!”  To get it done, get it over with, and get promoted!  Fighting our lot doesn’t make it go away.  It makes it harder.  Accepting it doesn’t make it easier, but at least we have something to look forward to i.e. promotion.  I can’t say that I am at the point that I can totally accept my assignment of “messenger.”  But I am definitely going to give it a try.

He doesn't even know...

Today I went out with a friend.  Although I had no expectations I was a little nervous because…well just because.  I was fidgety, butterflies in the pit of my stomach, small beads of perspiration on my forehead…I was trying something new.  But he didn’t know. 

We went to a late lunch.  We have so much in common.  I feel like I have known him forever but simultaneously I felt like a total stranger.  I felt like I could tell him anything but was afraid to tell him everything.  I was happy to see him. Actually I was ecstatic…but he didn’t know it. 

He was very nice.  I didn’t expect anything different.  Complimentary.  I didn’t expect anything different.  Tall, dark, and handsome.  I didn’t expect anything different.  These are the norm for him.  A gentleman…that was not the norm for me.  I haven’t been out with a true gentleman in quite some time.  Someone who doesn’t have an ulterior motive.  Someone who wants to have an actual conversation with clothes on.  Someone who asks questions and actually listens to the answer.  Someone who wanted to get to know me.  Someone who asked me out verses the typical “want to come over and watch a movie” line which usually ends up with their hand on your breast or butt.  I felt like a rookie…but he didn’t know it.

I let him take me on a new adventure.  Simple as it may seem, I let him order my food.  For those that don’t know, I am not that trusting.  However, I didn’t even look at the menu.  I actually said to him “I’m going to trust you.”  He said “I won’t steer you wrong.”  And I believed him.  I didn’t question or challenge him.  I did something I haven’t done in awhile.  I let my guard down…but he didn’t know.

We talked, laughed, smiled, ate, talked some more until the food was gone and the table cleared.  Then we talked even more.  No seductive gestures.  No sexual comments.  Only stimulating conversation.  Of course I was smitten by his charm.  Yes, I noticed he has the most beautiful teeth.  Sure, I noticed how soft his hands were when he grabbed mine while demonstrating how an old white lady hit on him when he was younger.  Certainly, I noticed each time I inhaled that he smelled extra yummy.  But he didn’t know.

He didn’t know that his simple greeting with a smile made me feel warm and fuzzy.  He didn’t know that his laugh was contagious and made me laugh too.  He didn’t know that the fact that he didn’t agree with everything I said was refreshing.  He didn’t know that his simple statement “you are an attractive woman” without innuendos made me beam from the inside out.  He didn’t know that yesterday, my calculations showed that there were very few good men left out there and they must be in Alaska somewhere.  He didn’t know that he made my day.

Sometimes God will send people your way and although they don’t know their purpose for seeing or talking to you in that moment, you do.  He didn’t know he was placed in my path to “reset” my thought process on men.  And if by some odd chance I never see or talk to him again, that is fine.  Because his purpose was filled for today…and he doesn’t even know!

Psalm 8

I looked at the sky tonight.  Staring at it.  It seems to have no beginning or end.  It was midnight blue and looked as if someone had spilled balls of cotton all over it.  No stars.  Just sky.  I sat there wrapped in my mink throw with my fleece pajamas underneath…thinking…questioning: “God, what did I do to offend you?” 

Each day is starting to feel Bipolar in nature.  I wake up and give myself a pep talk commanding that “today will be a good day.”  I thank God for all His blessings.  But before my feet hit the floor, something overcomes me.  Work, health, finances, stress, more stress.  It feels like Groundhog Day.  Satan is constantly hitting me below the belt and when I am down he is spitting in my face.  I’m almost too tired to fight back. 

I spend my days motivating others to beat the odds.  Telling them that their situations can and will change.  Encouraging them to pray and just hold on a little while longer.  Yet I am a hypocrite in my own situation.  I teach others to live and yet I feel like I am dying spiritually.  My soul is tired.

“God, what did I do to offend you?”

Perhaps I wronged Him in a way that I have not read about in the bible yet.  I feel like my prayers are going unheard.  I don’t think He would totally turn His back on me but maybe I am in solitary confinement.  My mantra:  2011 will be NOTHING like 2010.  However, I’m struggling to make it to December 31.  I just want to know what I did wrong and how to fix it.  How do I turn the mute button off so I can hear what He is telling me?  How do I even know it is Him talking to me?

Psalm 8:5-6 Yet you made them only a little lower than God and crowned them with glory and honor; You gave them everything you made, putting all things under their authority

You gave me power but I don’t know the instructions.  I must have mixed the potion wrong or skewed the measurements.  I pray, I plan, I try, I try harder…yet nothing.  No signs.  No direction.  Limbo.  Just here.  I know Your thoughts and timing definitely aren’t mine.  I have been patient.  I have not given up.  I won’t give up!  But what am I suppose to do in the meantime?  My armor of faith is torn and there is not time to repair it because the war is constant.  If I take a break, the devil will take me out. 

“God, what did I do to offend you?”

My steps are ordered but I have fallen off the path, down the hill, and into a valley.   The bones here are dry.  I tried to prophesize and blow life into them but to no avail.  They are still lifeless.  Is my touch not anointed?  I feel like Job.  I am being tried beyond measure.  I don’t know how he did it but he did.  And on the other side, he was SO much better. As I look to the other side, I am much better too.  But in the meantime…Psalm 8.

I am not my Hair! I am not my Weight! (Sick & Tired cont'd)

I sit here absolutely annoyed by stigmatisms and stereotypes. I fall victim to it each and every day in one of two forms: my Hair and my Weight. It is contagious. The negativity I get from others often invades my membranes entering into my nucleus and the infection begins with simple mitosis of demeaning thoughts.  As with any process of reproduction, this eventually leads to the creation of an entity hat functions on its own…something very complex. It almost seems human thus the reason for the capitalization of "Hair" and "Weight."  They are life forms to me igniting a daily internal battle much like a married couple would have.  But I can't get away from myself.  I go to sleep and wake up with me.  I go to work and have lunch with me.  I have to take care of these "people" that cause me so much strife.
 
Oh how I love strangers! Strangers will give you the best compliments but people who know you will make you feel absolutely lower than a beetle's toe. Strangers say nice things such as "I love your hair" or "I wish I was your size." People who know you say things like "Why did you get your hair like that?" or "You have picked up some weight I see." Self acceptance is very difficult to obtain when the people you thought were in your corner are cheering for the other team.  Don't misunderstand me.  I know there are some strangers out there who judge me as well.  They see my natural hair do and think I am a lesbian.  Or they think I am from a different country. They think I have gone through chemotherapy.  Even worse, they think I am going through some type of emotional breakdown.  My hair does not define me.  My weight?  Another separate entity.  I am treated as if I am not allowed to gain weight. "You are so active. How did you gain weight?" "What are you doing? You are getting kind of heavy." "Wow, your thighs are getting big." And the ultimate... "Are you pregnant?" Why are people paying so much attention to what size I wear to begin with? My weight does not define me.

We underestimate the power of our judgment and the effect it has on others.  When people are judged harshly, usually one of two things occurs: they retreat or they become more radical.  Let’s look at a few examples.  Mariah Carey had a bad movie and bad album.  The media took her through the ringer.  Result: Nervous breakdown.  Britney Spears grew up being judged.  The more she was judged, the more bad decisions she made i.e. marriage, kids, divorce, music.  Result: Nervous Breakdown.  Janet Jackson has been judged and put on a pedestal that she did not ask for all of her life.  The media buzzes more about her weight than her talent.  Result: Hiatus.  She has pulled a disappearing act many times and I am sure there will be more in the future.  Kanye West lost his mom and the media would not leave him alone.  Everywhere he went they were in his face.  This led to several piss poor decisions including several outbursts on television that have brought him negative publicity.  Result: On the brink of a nervous breakdown.  I’m patiently waiting on that one.  I am not making excuses for anyone’s erratic behavior.  We all have to practice some self control.  However, we also need to look at our role in the stage play called Life.
 
I understand that by society's standard I will never be a model. I am not a size 0 or 2 and don’t recall being one since 5^th grade.  I understand that I likely won't be a beau of a celebrity. I don't fit into the stereotype of what they should look like i.e. weave down to my butt.  I am ok with that. I don't consider them to be a part of the majority anyway. They have their own world with their own set of rules which they are judged harshly for too.  But to the rest of my everyday folk.  Just back off!!!!  My hair and weight do not define me so please just let me be me…better yet, just let me be!

Sick & Tired of being Sick & Tired

When does it end?  The vicious cycle of self condemnation.  I throw stones at myself over and over and over again!  Not sure how I got to this point of “hyper-self criticalness.” When I was young, I thought life would get easier as I got older.  I set myself up for disappointment from the start.  All these years I have poured my energy into making myself perfect.  Trying to reach something only Jesus succeeded at.  I created a mold for myself at a young age and it was nurtured by society…finish high school, go to college, get married, have kids…as if there was not an alternate route.  I wanted to live the “American” dream.  I still want that.  But because of my “misprogramming” I can’t seem to view life from another angle.  Instead I get mad at myself for not following a timeline that was not necessarily intended for me to begin with.  Everyone is different therefore their journey will be different.  But instead we castrate ourselves for being unique in an effort to fit in with everyone else.  Fitting in sounds like a punk move to me.  However, I am guilty of being just that….

I am 34, unwed, and without children.  This scenario is not that farfetched to me but the first question I often receive is “what’s wrong with you?”  I never imagined I would be judged for being single at 34 but I am….heavily.  And frankly it hurts.  Not for the obvious reasons though.  Of course I hate being judged.  I would like to think of myself as “out of the box” so I don’t mind not fitting in from time to time.  But because I have been diagnosed with a plague called spinster, it has caused me to wonder if there is something wrong with me.  I should know better but my intelligence is drowned out by the loud ticking of my biological clock which I never had until society decided to deliver it to me in Movado case. The trickery!

I am also addicted to numbers.  Specifically size, weight, calories, and inches.  I never knew how much I weighed until I started dancing.  Amazing how the thing I loved the most morphed into something that caused me so much grief.  I was always the largest girl on the squad.  Uniforms became smaller and smaller.  My self esteem shrunk right along with it.  I even resorted to taking diet pills which rendered a horrid side effect of palpitations.  At some point, I began to care more about what size I was instead of WHO I was.  The older I got, the more life evoked emotional eating.  Exhausted from life’s tests and too tired to cook I would resort to fast food and take out.  I felt like such a hypocrite promoting high self esteem, healthy eating habits, and being unique to other young ladies while doing the total opposite to myself.  Television now promotes beauty without limits: liposuction, fad diets, models size 0-2, relaxed hair, extensions, hair removal.  Everywhere we turn we are reminded to be something that we were not created to be…perfect!  Looks far outweigh talent and there is even a study that shows that people who are “attractive” are more likely to get hired for jobs.  Really????  The average size for a woman in America is a 14 yet you don’t see her on the front of Sports Illustrated.  Instead we gasp and gossip when celebrities who live in the light and are judged the most have nervous breakdowns or take a hiatus from the media.  As if they did something wrong!

Lastly, I thought I would have “arrived” by now.  I am quite saddened to say I don’t even know where I am going. At 34, I don’t have a map, compass, GPS, or OnStar.  I literally feel as if I am on 285 just going in circles.  At some point I am going to have to exit, I just don’t know which exit to take.  I see others around me living the American dream.  Yet my life seems mundane, unremarkable, and undesirable merely because it does not fit into that mold.  Now it makes since why the Ogre in Shrek wanted to remain in the swamp alone.  He didn’t have any fight left in him…fight to please people, fight to keep peace, fight to better himself only to be stereotyped and put down by others, fight to find love and give it a chance….He didn’t have any fight left to LIVE.  He was content with playing it safe and being alone in an effort to avoid the judgement and heartache that comes second nature to taking a chance.

The negativity manifests into mental and physical attributes such as insomnia, low self esteem, crying spells, lack of motivation, headaches, nausea, and anger (to name a few).  It’s debilitating to the point of not even being able to look at yourself in the mirror.  But at some point, you get sick and tired of being sick and tired. At some point we say enough is enough.  Today I say “It’s OVER!!!”  So what if I am not married?  I will not settle just to have the title of “wife.”  I prefer happy spinster to miserable wife any day!  So what if I don’t have any children?  I have enough nieces and nephews as well as children that I work with to call my own.  I do not plan on having a child out of wedlock or with a man that I can’t stand to be in the same room with just to be called “mommy.”  Applying for the job of single mom is not appealing to me therefore I will pass.  So what if I don’t feel as if I know where I am going in life?  In the meantime we will consider this the scenic route.  I will just take it all in and enjoy the ride until I see something that interests me enough to stop.

In a perfect world, I would have nothing but positive energy to expel each and every day.  Unfortunately, I don’t live in a perfect world.  Therefore I have to create another equation for life as I remodel my American Dream.  The challenge?  I will only allot myself 10% negative energy per day so I have to be very picky about how I use it.  Anything that exceeds that has to go in the “Let Go & Let God” file.  Yet another selfish moment in my life but at this point selfishness = sanity.  How will you spend your 10%?

6 months of seperation

I am sitting here watching Sex In The City (the movie) and all of a sudden I realized I was not done….Like yesterday, the memories of a failed engagement hit me all over again.  You see, this was the first movie I saw after running away from the world for two months.  Let me go back a bit further…this was my introduction back into the real world after being on a Navy ship in the middle of the ocean for 120 days.  How did I end up on that ship?  The grace of God!  The details are so clear as if I was watching my life movie in my mind…

Press Play:  We had dated for almost two years.  This was the first time I had been in a relationship 150%.  Previous relationships I had been in 100% but none like this.  I also had never been in a relationship that long.  Regardless, due to unforeseen yet divinely ordered steps, he got a job in another state.  For 6 months we were separated.  Wedding plans made, church reserved…and the day before the catastrophe I had ordered my dress online.  Prior to the planning, I felt that something wasn’t right.  Right down to the proposal on Christmas day.  I remember expressing it to my friends and they all said it was “cold feet.”  I expressed it to him but all I got was a bunch of mumbling and words that formed sentences but didn’t make sense.  I continued to pray about it and I asked God to show me whatever it was that I needed to know.  In the meantime, I continued planning….

Our second premarital session addressed infidelity, both emotional and physical.  It was a Sunday and he left that same day returning back to the other state.  That day, he left me behind too.  I just didn’t know it.  On Monday I got an email stating that he had something to tell me that might be detrimental to our relationship. 

Pause: Technology is nothing but a wheelchair for cowards afraid to walk when they have two perfectly good legs! 

Play:  I called but got no answer.  He continued to avoid me until Tuesday.  Tuesday!  We emailed back and forth but yet he still would not talk to me on the phone.  Finally he called me when he got off work.  I was calm.  Almost too calm but calm.  I prayed before speaking.  I then asked what could be so detrimental to our relationship.  In short, he tells me that he has “groped and fondled” other “women (plural)” as well as a string of other sordid details of things that I knew were the finale to our season together.  I merely replied “ok,” immediately got into my truck, and drove approximately 6 hours to get my belongings.  I laid eyes on him for 15 minutes and drove another 6 hours back home.  Two days later, I got a call about a job I had applied for 6 months prior.  There was no interview, just a call saying that they needed me on a ship within a week and I would be gone for two months.  I didn’t even ask any questions.  I just said “ok.”

In that week I had to undo everything that had been done i.e. reroute my mail back to my apartment, renew my lease, cancel the reservation for the church and yes…return my wedding dress which promptly landed on my doorsteps that Friday.  I didn’t even open the box.  By the following Friday, I had set sail and did not look back.  I sent an email to friends saying the wedding was off and to please not ask questions but merely pray for me.  That day, I was a coward. 

For two months, I was in a controlled environment not to be affected by the outside world.  To some it may have seemed like prison but to me it was like witness protection.  Of course he still contacted me via email and of course I went back and forth about whether I should give him another chance.  Fortunately I had enough will to say no.  My heart was still hurting but I knew I could not look at him without thinking about that terrible Tuesday when he caused my world to shift on its axis.

When I got back from my sabatical, my friends had planned a wonderful birthday return for me which included going to see the movie Sex In The City.  Of course they didn’t know that I would be so moved by the whole “stood up at the alter” scene nor did I.  I was thoroughly shook!  I kept it together because that is what I do.  And I continued to keep it together (so I thought) until last year when I began to question my lack of a successful relationship since. 

Pause: FYI, within 3-6 months after we broke up he had gotten married and had a baby on the way which I did not know about until his wife found his emails to me expressing how he still wanted to be with me and then contacted me to “tell” me not to contact her husband.  As if!  Had she read them carefully she would have known that I was not accepting his offers for reconciliation. 

Play:  In 2010 I have gone through every emotion there is and probably added a few trying to figure out “what’s wrong with me” while I continue to tell others that “I’m ok.”  And today it was as simple as a subject, verb, and predicate…I have abandonment issues.  This explains why I leave others before they can leave me.  Why I don’t return phone calls or will find the slightest thing wrong with men right at that moment that I realize that I like them.  Why I literally push men away as they try to get closer to me.  Sabotage some may call it.  I would prefer to call it “self defense.”

Pause:  There were also a slew of many bad seeds after my ex-fiance that lied, deceived, and other horrid details that I will save for my upcoming book.  But a knife is a knife and the scars were left all the same.  It’s a blessing that I am not bitter and cynical!

Play:  I am by no means a male basher.  And surprisingly I still have hope that there are some good men out there.  I have owned up to my dysfunctional thought process and am willing to face my fear.  But first, I have to make a confession.

My name is __________ and I have abandonment issues.  I am not “ok” but for the first time in a long time, I’m ok with not being okJ

The Introduction

Allow me to introduce myself...I am a virgin!

I have never blogged before and always considered it to be a past time for those who had idle time (which I do not).  I never thought of it as a way to share my views or talent with others.  How selfish of me!  I am by no means arrogant but thanks to a few friends, I have been motivated to share some of my creative thoughts with non associates.  What do I have to lose?  Absolutely nothing!  For once this is all about me.  It is not about people liking what I do.  Instead this is about me loving me:-) 

I took a vow today with God that 2011 would be nothing like 2010.  [An abridged version of 2010 to come]  This is one of many "first steps" in my journey to Get Back to Me! {GB2M conference coming soon}  I have defined myself by many external factors that society uses to put us in categories.  This time I will let me words paint your picture of me thus my lack of a photo of myself.  At some point I will be taking survey of what others think I look like...that will be a fun adventure to come.  In the meantime, I will merely tantalize and tease you with my sometimes abrupt but subtle views on whatever life leads me to speak on. 

In speaking to my friend who also has a blog (link to come soon), I lovingly reprimanded her for encouraging our "dissociative" ways.  Upon further scrutiny, I realized that there is nothing wrong with having multiple personalities.  It actually makes life less demanding and allows us to feed all dimensions of our personality...the id, ego, super ego, and whatever else lies in your subconscious.  It's a warped but safe way of keeping us sane.  And sanity is what I strive for.

Perhaps in the future I will introduce you to the other ladies that reside in this same skin.  In the meantime, I will merely introduce one...

Hello!  My name is Golden Delicious and it is a pleasure to meet you!