The Battle Begins...

Alone with my thoughts.  My skin screams during the fight with my will.  Knuckles white and knees red from praying.  The devil is winning.  The voice in my head is loud…but wrong.  The voice in my heart…barely audible.  “You  know my heart.”  I want… I need… I think… I know…nothing.  The flesh is weak.  So weak.  Trying to do right in a world full of wrong.  Satan glorified on each channel.   I turn only to see more of him. But then again, who’s to say Satan is a man…look at Eve.  The whispers get louder…Satan on my left…Angel on my right.  I am thirsty and sin is trying to give me water.  The bucket is golden and the ladle covered in diamonds.  Its beauty is alluring…Blinding…I can’t see but I keep reaching for it.  My eyes water as I knowingly make a wrong decision…siding with my flesh.  I am a hypocrite…Judas!  I crawl into a hole of self pity and condemnation.  As if that will help.  I cry out…a silent scream…the pain unrecognizable to most.  Bleeding internally…my heart beat weakening…I search and search and search for answers.  I find nothing.  Impatience overwhelms me until I see a mirage of promises filled.  Then they disappear.  It was a dream…a beautiful nightmare that I did not want to wake from.  Seeking to satisfy my flesh instead of my will which should have been His will.  It gets dark now…I adjust my eyes to a world of sin willingly accepting some as the new norm.  Justifying and objectifying all that is not of Him.  Rose colored glasses stained with the blood of Jesus…chew on it…yeah that’s deep.  Blasphemy laced in ecstasy with sugar on top and whip cream so you don’t even recognize that it is dried up shit being sold to you for a profit.  You just know that it looks good until you get up on it and it reeks of foulness…but you taste it anyway.  Looks can be deceiving.  Now the situation has turned into recreation classified in a file called “just having fun” but really your sin count is above the limit and your balance past due...can’t get into heaven with bad credit…so now what?

Death

Funny how death makes you think about life…and life makes you think about death.  When sudden, it makes you wonder when your time is coming.  When expected, it makes you wonder can you deal with the torturous process of watching someone deteriorate.  Death is not gray.  It is very black.  It is final.  No more what ifs, should have, or could haves.  Death is The End.  Death can make you live your life in fear or live your life fearless.  Death can make you Bipolar.  One minute you are ready to call all your loved ones and tell them all the things you have been meaning to say since you were 10 years old.  The next minute you are panicking and trying to hide things that you hope no one will ever find out even after you are gone. 

Death (and weddings)  bring out the absolute worst in people.  Emotions are charged, no one can agree on anything, family secrets are no longer secrets, and everyone feels the need to satiate their grief with food, alcohol, and cigarettes.  Most of all, everyone is scared to be alone during a time of death.  Not because of the deceased, but because of their own thoughts.  Those thoughts that have been suppressed.  Those thoughts that have been avoided.  Those thoughts about your personal life…what you have accomplished…what you haven’t accomplished…who you love…who you hate…whom have you forgiven…so many questions!  The main query?  If you die tomorrow, will you have done all you wanted to do? Will you be ready to be judged?  But in all fairness, are we suppose to be ready?  And if so, how do we get ready?

 I look back on my life and I am happy with it.  I have no severe complaints.  However, I also know that I want the next phase of my life to be different…better.  I think of times that are not settled in my spirit and I want to correct them but am uncertain how.  I think about people I need to sever ties with.  Not because I hate them per se but merely because they are not good for me.  I think about all the tangible things that most people think about especially when approaching a birthday i.e. family, home, finances, etc. and I wonder if I am where I should be.  I wonder if this is all there is for me.  I wonder if there is more…or less…

I don’t want to be radical yet I don’t want to be sensible about how I live the rest of my life.  I don’t want to be controlling but I also don’t want to be out of control.  I want to be happy but not by media or society’s definition of happy.  I was told that Iyanla Vanzant spoke of her trials and tribulations on an Opera interview and how ultimately she is happy doing less than what the world expected of her.  When she was chasing the “American Dream” she was miserable.  Now as I understand it, she is selling candles from a little shop and has a joy that can’t be moved.  That is definitely something to chew on!

So many people are attempting to have picture perfect lives on the outside but are rotting on the inside.  They have the model husband or wife but they cannot carry out a simple conversation.  They have the two story home and the picket fence but can’t pay the mortgage.  They have kids but don’t have time to spend with them because they are working overtime to live outside of their means.  They dress really nice but are lonely claiming they don’t need anyone in their lives because they have been hurt before.  They have parents or siblings that they don’t speak to anymore because of a disagreement that no one can even recall the details of.  Is this the way to live?

Homeless people and children are some of the happiest people in the world.  They don’t worry about tomorrow.  They live for today.  The simplest things make them happy.  They are happy because the sun is shining.  They will dance in the rain.  They will smile when they are missing teeth!  Their joy comes from somewhere within.  It is not based on others.  It is not based on material things.  It is based on personal, intangible satisfaction.  That is a true blessing…that is what I want…that is what I will strive for…Death has always had an adverse effect on me.  But the more I age, the more impact it has…in a positive way.  I feel as though I have been running the same race long enough.  Now it is time to switch lanes.  Is it time for you to change lanes too?

Today I cried...

Today I cried for my sisters.  Not my sisters in the literal sense of the word but my sisters everywhere.  For so many things, I cried.  I cried because my sister cries everyday on her way to work.  Trapped in a job that no longer fulfills her but one she must do to provide for her family.  This job chips away at her soul each day but she feels she has no choice.  Instead the sparkle in her eyes diminishes during her commute to and from work Monday through Friday.  On Saturday and Sunday, her eyes glaze over from exhaustion and anticipation of Monday leaving only space for more tears to come.  Today I cried for my sister that is a victim of domestic violence.  The one man who was supposed to love her loved her with his fist.  Instead of wrapping his arms around her for a hug, he wrapped his hands around her neck to choke her.  Now trust issues that were already shaky are totally dismissed as she scrambles to love herself, bruises, broken heart and all.  Today I cried for my sister that feels unloved.  She is lonely and feels she has no one to talk to.  Now she is talking to food.  Food has become her friend.  She has convinced herself that she does not need anyone else.  As long as there is food, she is not alone.  She sits in a dark room, eats until she cries and then condemns herself for gluttony followed by reminders of all the things she hates about herself.  Today I cried for my sister who is going through a divorce.  The person she trusted cheated on her and then blamed her for his actions.  She stood before God and took vows.  Now she is standing before a judge trying to undo a union she thought God had blessed and would last forever.  The ridicule from the man she loves has now caused her to doubt her own self worth.  Stress had taken its toll and she does not recognize herself anymore in the mirror…so she avoids it all together. Rims red from sleepless nights wondering how she missed the signs and should she consider staying just for the sake of having someone in her life.  Today I cried for my sister who is a diamond in the rough.  Most look at her and think she is a wonderful catch i.e. single, no kids, great job, beautiful, talented and intelligent.  But men view her as a threat.  They have lied and taken advantage of her so much that she is now wondering will she ever meet a good man.  In the meantime she is seeking attention from any source, good and bad, married and single.  She is lowering her standards for fear of being alone for the rest of her life.  Today I cried for my sister that is trapped caring for someone who does not and has never cared for her.  Both homicide and suicide have crossed her mind as she deals with having to pretend to love someone that perhaps is not even capable of loving her in return.    Thanks to this hand dealt, she convinces herself of all the things in life she should deprive herself of in an effort not to relive the pain she currently bares.  She does not realize that she is cheating herself in the process.  Today I cried because many of my sisters feel that they are the only ones going through what they are going through.  They are too embarrassed to talk to others for fear of being judged.  They think they will be labeled or looked down upon for having struggles that we all have.  They would rather remain in denial or reach their breaking point instead of turning to their sister and simply saying “Today I cried…”

Reality vs Rhetoric

The mirages are fading. The illusions that we have been portraying are crumbling. Smiles turning to frowns. Laughs turn to cries. Our rhetoric becomes reality. No longer can we muster the energy to 'front' like all is well. When someone asks "how are you?" we reply "ok" and "good." The fact is if we gave a true/honest answer people would likely be shocked. Moreover they likely would relate to our trials and tribulations.

However, thanks to rhetoric, people seem offended when we are honest. The rhetoric precedes judgement and then we become outcasts for expressing our true feelings. And then comes the generic responses: "everything will be ok," "pray about it," "you just need some rest," & "give it to God." What happens when the rhetoric doesn't work anymore?

Riddle me this: What does happy look like?

Some might say when a person smiles they are happy. Not so much...people can smile on the outside and be tormented on the inside. Some might say money makes you happy. I have seen some of the richest people in the world in the worst type of mental anguish. Some may think that having a spouse and kids would bring the most joy. Nonetheless there are those who are ready to slit their wrists because of that family.

What does happy look like? It is different for each person. There is no template for it. There is no recipe. It is much like DNA ~ specific to one.  But like other resources as of late, happiness is becoming extinct. Now we are cloning what's left of it and using harmful injections of unnatural substances to create the illusion of happiness. Similar to chickens being injected with hormones but the side effects are much worse. The American dream looks bigger and better like the enlarged chicken breast. But is it worth the falsehoods? Is it worth the side effects? Reality vs rhetoric...

I am the Enemy

Have you ever considered the notion that you are your worst enemy? Self condemnation and pity parties make us our own enemy. When I look in the mirror and ridicule myself, I am the enemy. When I don't eat healthy, I am the enemy. When I don't get enough rest, I am the enemy.   When I don't exercise, I am the enemy. When I put work before my health, I am the enemy. When I put money before happiness, I am the enemy. When I don't speak up when others are treated wrong, I am the enemy. When I believe that lying is easier than telling the truth, I am the enemy.  When I start to lower my standards to lift others, I am the enemy.  When I can't practice self control, I am the enemy.  When I become what I hate, I am the enemy.

No wonder we can't look at ourselves in the mirror anymore. We are sleeping with the enemy. No one else to blame...but the enemy. After all is said and done, I am the enemy. Now what?

I Digress...

I am starting to think that there really isn’t such a thing as “something new.”  It seems to me that each thing that we do, decision that we make, is merely a remix of something that already exists.  Because we have gotten use to one thing in particular, it must become stronger for us to recognize it the next time around.  Case/point…the devil rarely reinvents the wheel.  Sex was the downfall of man from the beginning.  It is still the down fall of man now.  Women rule with what is between their legs.  I am not saying this is the only way that a woman can rule, but it is probably the most powerful tool according to a survey of men.  Addicts claim sobriety but generally switch one addiction for another i.e. alcohol and/or drugs for coffee and cigarettes.  Go to any addiction group session and during break and 90% of the people will be outside smoking or hanging out around the coffee pot.  Someone who has an anger problem may be able to manage it by finding a task or job that allows them to use their anger in a “legal” manner i.e. boxers, UFC, military, law enforcement, etc. 

The digression comes when we think we have mastered a thing or built up enough resistance to overcome said weakness.  At times we may become cocky and think there is no need to work on resistance or maintenance any longer.  Or we may just grow tired of fighting the feeling and we give in…briefly…to the desire that has so many consequences. 

And then we digress…

It takes less than a millisecond to make up your mind to do something stupid.  It takes forever to erase that moment in time once you realize what it is that you have done.  Stop.  Think.  Ask.

Is it worth it?

For those of us with a conscience, we spend hours and many sleepless nights trying to go back and rewind time.  Going back to that moment wishing that we had not done that thing…that one thing that will now be added to the list of regrets that we thought we had folded up and tucked away.  You know the list…the list of “I will never do ______ again.”  Usually this statement is followed by some type of “if” promise of getting us out of a horrid situation that came as a result of the digression.  What is the remedy?

Run!

Just run away from it.  Who cares what you look like?  I would rather look like a fool running away from my Delilah (reference Samson) than to sit down and have a cup of tea with the devil while he singes my face with his hot ass breath congratulating me on fucking up.  (Excuse my language but you get the point!)  Yet we have SO many examples of what happens when we digress.  It is noted in many a source whether it be the bible, Greek mythology, fiction, or nonfiction that a comeback is hard to do.  And the more times you fall, the harder the comeback.  A few examples: Samson, Icarus, Snow White, George Bush…I know it may seem silly now but do some research on how these people digressed and how hard their comeback was if they made a comeback at all.  Check out the people in the bible wondering around in the desert for 40 years…who does that?

Those that digress.

Doing what is right is a hard task.  But the choice itself is the easy part.  Maintaining that mantra is the difficult part.  Exhibit A:  Fad diets do not work.  In order to achieve the body or weight that you desire, it requires working out.  Once you lose the weight, you cannot stop working out or you will gain it back.  You have to keep going.  At another point, your body will reach a plateau and you will have to change your routine and work even harder to maintain your choice.  Add a respectable diet to the mix and you have your work cut out for you.  It is unending. 

Digression…

To digress means that you have made a choice to give up, to not fight, to not be the bigger person, to not say “no,”  and to disrespect yourself.  And if you don’t respect yourself, why should anything or anyone else?

The Notebook

I am a late comer to this movie. Many have seen it and known of it's brilliance for a long time. I have only known of it for a moment. Ironically I cannot recall my reaction from the first time I saw it which can only indicate that it was extremely emotional. As much as I love my blockbuster classic collection, this is not one that I can archive.  It brings about too many emotions at once. Yet it is bitter sweet in that if I do catch it on tv, I cannot tear myself away from it. That happened tonight. I know I haven't blogged in a bit...I likely have been avoiding it. Today I could not dodge the keys. I wanted to go to sleep. I wanted to close my eyes and go to my happy place. Instead I ended up watching this movie. No sandman. No relief. Just me and the movie. I felt a headache coming on as I begin to think about past relationships, past Valentine's days...the past period. 

I would not describe my mood as unhappy. The only adjective I have at the moment without creating my own word would be reflection. It is already February. I feel like Thanksgiving will be next week and New Years shortly after. In other words, I feel like life is passing me by. When was the last time I stopped to smell the flowers? I tell myself that I am going to LIVE this year.   I feel more like I am trying to SURVIVE. 

What is most striking to me is how people loved and lived fearlessly back in the day. They wore their hearts on their sleeve. They would do anything for love. They enjoyed life. To court was exciting. Sex was sacred. Marriage was valued. People enjoyed their jobs and were committed to working hard not because of money but because it was the right thing to do.  Now, we work ourselves literally to death trying to attain a dream that most have given up on. We view marriage as business deals going in with divorce as a readily available option. We fool ourselves into thinking we are LIVING when really we are trying to escape from the monotony of our unfulfilling lives. We work at jobs we hate to make money to pay bills to survive. At the end of the day we collapse in exhaustion but can't sleep because we can only think of how we have to reset our brains to get up the next day to do it all over again. When it comes to love, we go in with our guards up not allowing others to get to know us. Instead we create a persona to "make it work" instead of being ourselves and allowing others to love us completely and totally. 

What's the point? Is it worth it? All this effort and what is the outcome? Misery? Complacency? I am not ok with having a life of mediocrity in any area. I want more. I deserve it. I don't have a plan as to how to attain it. I just know that I have to be open to it. And while I am waiting, I have to be in love with life. I have to be in love with myself. I have to be in love with what I do for a living. Just like an external relationship, this internal relationship is going to be hard. I'm gonna have to work at it everyday. But I'm worth it. I want an extraordinary life and I won't settle for less.