The Notebook

I am a late comer to this movie. Many have seen it and known of it's brilliance for a long time. I have only known of it for a moment. Ironically I cannot recall my reaction from the first time I saw it which can only indicate that it was extremely emotional. As much as I love my blockbuster classic collection, this is not one that I can archive.  It brings about too many emotions at once. Yet it is bitter sweet in that if I do catch it on tv, I cannot tear myself away from it. That happened tonight. I know I haven't blogged in a bit...I likely have been avoiding it. Today I could not dodge the keys. I wanted to go to sleep. I wanted to close my eyes and go to my happy place. Instead I ended up watching this movie. No sandman. No relief. Just me and the movie. I felt a headache coming on as I begin to think about past relationships, past Valentine's days...the past period. 

I would not describe my mood as unhappy. The only adjective I have at the moment without creating my own word would be reflection. It is already February. I feel like Thanksgiving will be next week and New Years shortly after. In other words, I feel like life is passing me by. When was the last time I stopped to smell the flowers? I tell myself that I am going to LIVE this year.   I feel more like I am trying to SURVIVE. 

What is most striking to me is how people loved and lived fearlessly back in the day. They wore their hearts on their sleeve. They would do anything for love. They enjoyed life. To court was exciting. Sex was sacred. Marriage was valued. People enjoyed their jobs and were committed to working hard not because of money but because it was the right thing to do.  Now, we work ourselves literally to death trying to attain a dream that most have given up on. We view marriage as business deals going in with divorce as a readily available option. We fool ourselves into thinking we are LIVING when really we are trying to escape from the monotony of our unfulfilling lives. We work at jobs we hate to make money to pay bills to survive. At the end of the day we collapse in exhaustion but can't sleep because we can only think of how we have to reset our brains to get up the next day to do it all over again. When it comes to love, we go in with our guards up not allowing others to get to know us. Instead we create a persona to "make it work" instead of being ourselves and allowing others to love us completely and totally. 

What's the point? Is it worth it? All this effort and what is the outcome? Misery? Complacency? I am not ok with having a life of mediocrity in any area. I want more. I deserve it. I don't have a plan as to how to attain it. I just know that I have to be open to it. And while I am waiting, I have to be in love with life. I have to be in love with myself. I have to be in love with what I do for a living. Just like an external relationship, this internal relationship is going to be hard. I'm gonna have to work at it everyday. But I'm worth it. I want an extraordinary life and I won't settle for less.