The Battle Begins...

Alone with my thoughts.  My skin screams during the fight with my will.  Knuckles white and knees red from praying.  The devil is winning.  The voice in my head is loud…but wrong.  The voice in my heart…barely audible.  “You  know my heart.”  I want… I need… I think… I know…nothing.  The flesh is weak.  So weak.  Trying to do right in a world full of wrong.  Satan glorified on each channel.   I turn only to see more of him. But then again, who’s to say Satan is a man…look at Eve.  The whispers get louder…Satan on my left…Angel on my right.  I am thirsty and sin is trying to give me water.  The bucket is golden and the ladle covered in diamonds.  Its beauty is alluring…Blinding…I can’t see but I keep reaching for it.  My eyes water as I knowingly make a wrong decision…siding with my flesh.  I am a hypocrite…Judas!  I crawl into a hole of self pity and condemnation.  As if that will help.  I cry out…a silent scream…the pain unrecognizable to most.  Bleeding internally…my heart beat weakening…I search and search and search for answers.  I find nothing.  Impatience overwhelms me until I see a mirage of promises filled.  Then they disappear.  It was a dream…a beautiful nightmare that I did not want to wake from.  Seeking to satisfy my flesh instead of my will which should have been His will.  It gets dark now…I adjust my eyes to a world of sin willingly accepting some as the new norm.  Justifying and objectifying all that is not of Him.  Rose colored glasses stained with the blood of Jesus…chew on it…yeah that’s deep.  Blasphemy laced in ecstasy with sugar on top and whip cream so you don’t even recognize that it is dried up shit being sold to you for a profit.  You just know that it looks good until you get up on it and it reeks of foulness…but you taste it anyway.  Looks can be deceiving.  Now the situation has turned into recreation classified in a file called “just having fun” but really your sin count is above the limit and your balance past due...can’t get into heaven with bad credit…so now what?

Death

Funny how death makes you think about life…and life makes you think about death.  When sudden, it makes you wonder when your time is coming.  When expected, it makes you wonder can you deal with the torturous process of watching someone deteriorate.  Death is not gray.  It is very black.  It is final.  No more what ifs, should have, or could haves.  Death is The End.  Death can make you live your life in fear or live your life fearless.  Death can make you Bipolar.  One minute you are ready to call all your loved ones and tell them all the things you have been meaning to say since you were 10 years old.  The next minute you are panicking and trying to hide things that you hope no one will ever find out even after you are gone. 

Death (and weddings)  bring out the absolute worst in people.  Emotions are charged, no one can agree on anything, family secrets are no longer secrets, and everyone feels the need to satiate their grief with food, alcohol, and cigarettes.  Most of all, everyone is scared to be alone during a time of death.  Not because of the deceased, but because of their own thoughts.  Those thoughts that have been suppressed.  Those thoughts that have been avoided.  Those thoughts about your personal life…what you have accomplished…what you haven’t accomplished…who you love…who you hate…whom have you forgiven…so many questions!  The main query?  If you die tomorrow, will you have done all you wanted to do? Will you be ready to be judged?  But in all fairness, are we suppose to be ready?  And if so, how do we get ready?

 I look back on my life and I am happy with it.  I have no severe complaints.  However, I also know that I want the next phase of my life to be different…better.  I think of times that are not settled in my spirit and I want to correct them but am uncertain how.  I think about people I need to sever ties with.  Not because I hate them per se but merely because they are not good for me.  I think about all the tangible things that most people think about especially when approaching a birthday i.e. family, home, finances, etc. and I wonder if I am where I should be.  I wonder if this is all there is for me.  I wonder if there is more…or less…

I don’t want to be radical yet I don’t want to be sensible about how I live the rest of my life.  I don’t want to be controlling but I also don’t want to be out of control.  I want to be happy but not by media or society’s definition of happy.  I was told that Iyanla Vanzant spoke of her trials and tribulations on an Opera interview and how ultimately she is happy doing less than what the world expected of her.  When she was chasing the “American Dream” she was miserable.  Now as I understand it, she is selling candles from a little shop and has a joy that can’t be moved.  That is definitely something to chew on!

So many people are attempting to have picture perfect lives on the outside but are rotting on the inside.  They have the model husband or wife but they cannot carry out a simple conversation.  They have the two story home and the picket fence but can’t pay the mortgage.  They have kids but don’t have time to spend with them because they are working overtime to live outside of their means.  They dress really nice but are lonely claiming they don’t need anyone in their lives because they have been hurt before.  They have parents or siblings that they don’t speak to anymore because of a disagreement that no one can even recall the details of.  Is this the way to live?

Homeless people and children are some of the happiest people in the world.  They don’t worry about tomorrow.  They live for today.  The simplest things make them happy.  They are happy because the sun is shining.  They will dance in the rain.  They will smile when they are missing teeth!  Their joy comes from somewhere within.  It is not based on others.  It is not based on material things.  It is based on personal, intangible satisfaction.  That is a true blessing…that is what I want…that is what I will strive for…Death has always had an adverse effect on me.  But the more I age, the more impact it has…in a positive way.  I feel as though I have been running the same race long enough.  Now it is time to switch lanes.  Is it time for you to change lanes too?

Today I cried...

Today I cried for my sisters.  Not my sisters in the literal sense of the word but my sisters everywhere.  For so many things, I cried.  I cried because my sister cries everyday on her way to work.  Trapped in a job that no longer fulfills her but one she must do to provide for her family.  This job chips away at her soul each day but she feels she has no choice.  Instead the sparkle in her eyes diminishes during her commute to and from work Monday through Friday.  On Saturday and Sunday, her eyes glaze over from exhaustion and anticipation of Monday leaving only space for more tears to come.  Today I cried for my sister that is a victim of domestic violence.  The one man who was supposed to love her loved her with his fist.  Instead of wrapping his arms around her for a hug, he wrapped his hands around her neck to choke her.  Now trust issues that were already shaky are totally dismissed as she scrambles to love herself, bruises, broken heart and all.  Today I cried for my sister that feels unloved.  She is lonely and feels she has no one to talk to.  Now she is talking to food.  Food has become her friend.  She has convinced herself that she does not need anyone else.  As long as there is food, she is not alone.  She sits in a dark room, eats until she cries and then condemns herself for gluttony followed by reminders of all the things she hates about herself.  Today I cried for my sister who is going through a divorce.  The person she trusted cheated on her and then blamed her for his actions.  She stood before God and took vows.  Now she is standing before a judge trying to undo a union she thought God had blessed and would last forever.  The ridicule from the man she loves has now caused her to doubt her own self worth.  Stress had taken its toll and she does not recognize herself anymore in the mirror…so she avoids it all together. Rims red from sleepless nights wondering how she missed the signs and should she consider staying just for the sake of having someone in her life.  Today I cried for my sister who is a diamond in the rough.  Most look at her and think she is a wonderful catch i.e. single, no kids, great job, beautiful, talented and intelligent.  But men view her as a threat.  They have lied and taken advantage of her so much that she is now wondering will she ever meet a good man.  In the meantime she is seeking attention from any source, good and bad, married and single.  She is lowering her standards for fear of being alone for the rest of her life.  Today I cried for my sister that is trapped caring for someone who does not and has never cared for her.  Both homicide and suicide have crossed her mind as she deals with having to pretend to love someone that perhaps is not even capable of loving her in return.    Thanks to this hand dealt, she convinces herself of all the things in life she should deprive herself of in an effort not to relive the pain she currently bares.  She does not realize that she is cheating herself in the process.  Today I cried because many of my sisters feel that they are the only ones going through what they are going through.  They are too embarrassed to talk to others for fear of being judged.  They think they will be labeled or looked down upon for having struggles that we all have.  They would rather remain in denial or reach their breaking point instead of turning to their sister and simply saying “Today I cried…”

Reality vs Rhetoric

The mirages are fading. The illusions that we have been portraying are crumbling. Smiles turning to frowns. Laughs turn to cries. Our rhetoric becomes reality. No longer can we muster the energy to 'front' like all is well. When someone asks "how are you?" we reply "ok" and "good." The fact is if we gave a true/honest answer people would likely be shocked. Moreover they likely would relate to our trials and tribulations.

However, thanks to rhetoric, people seem offended when we are honest. The rhetoric precedes judgement and then we become outcasts for expressing our true feelings. And then comes the generic responses: "everything will be ok," "pray about it," "you just need some rest," & "give it to God." What happens when the rhetoric doesn't work anymore?

Riddle me this: What does happy look like?

Some might say when a person smiles they are happy. Not so much...people can smile on the outside and be tormented on the inside. Some might say money makes you happy. I have seen some of the richest people in the world in the worst type of mental anguish. Some may think that having a spouse and kids would bring the most joy. Nonetheless there are those who are ready to slit their wrists because of that family.

What does happy look like? It is different for each person. There is no template for it. There is no recipe. It is much like DNA ~ specific to one.  But like other resources as of late, happiness is becoming extinct. Now we are cloning what's left of it and using harmful injections of unnatural substances to create the illusion of happiness. Similar to chickens being injected with hormones but the side effects are much worse. The American dream looks bigger and better like the enlarged chicken breast. But is it worth the falsehoods? Is it worth the side effects? Reality vs rhetoric...

I am the Enemy

Have you ever considered the notion that you are your worst enemy? Self condemnation and pity parties make us our own enemy. When I look in the mirror and ridicule myself, I am the enemy. When I don't eat healthy, I am the enemy. When I don't get enough rest, I am the enemy.   When I don't exercise, I am the enemy. When I put work before my health, I am the enemy. When I put money before happiness, I am the enemy. When I don't speak up when others are treated wrong, I am the enemy. When I believe that lying is easier than telling the truth, I am the enemy.  When I start to lower my standards to lift others, I am the enemy.  When I can't practice self control, I am the enemy.  When I become what I hate, I am the enemy.

No wonder we can't look at ourselves in the mirror anymore. We are sleeping with the enemy. No one else to blame...but the enemy. After all is said and done, I am the enemy. Now what?

I Digress...

I am starting to think that there really isn’t such a thing as “something new.”  It seems to me that each thing that we do, decision that we make, is merely a remix of something that already exists.  Because we have gotten use to one thing in particular, it must become stronger for us to recognize it the next time around.  Case/point…the devil rarely reinvents the wheel.  Sex was the downfall of man from the beginning.  It is still the down fall of man now.  Women rule with what is between their legs.  I am not saying this is the only way that a woman can rule, but it is probably the most powerful tool according to a survey of men.  Addicts claim sobriety but generally switch one addiction for another i.e. alcohol and/or drugs for coffee and cigarettes.  Go to any addiction group session and during break and 90% of the people will be outside smoking or hanging out around the coffee pot.  Someone who has an anger problem may be able to manage it by finding a task or job that allows them to use their anger in a “legal” manner i.e. boxers, UFC, military, law enforcement, etc. 

The digression comes when we think we have mastered a thing or built up enough resistance to overcome said weakness.  At times we may become cocky and think there is no need to work on resistance or maintenance any longer.  Or we may just grow tired of fighting the feeling and we give in…briefly…to the desire that has so many consequences. 

And then we digress…

It takes less than a millisecond to make up your mind to do something stupid.  It takes forever to erase that moment in time once you realize what it is that you have done.  Stop.  Think.  Ask.

Is it worth it?

For those of us with a conscience, we spend hours and many sleepless nights trying to go back and rewind time.  Going back to that moment wishing that we had not done that thing…that one thing that will now be added to the list of regrets that we thought we had folded up and tucked away.  You know the list…the list of “I will never do ______ again.”  Usually this statement is followed by some type of “if” promise of getting us out of a horrid situation that came as a result of the digression.  What is the remedy?

Run!

Just run away from it.  Who cares what you look like?  I would rather look like a fool running away from my Delilah (reference Samson) than to sit down and have a cup of tea with the devil while he singes my face with his hot ass breath congratulating me on fucking up.  (Excuse my language but you get the point!)  Yet we have SO many examples of what happens when we digress.  It is noted in many a source whether it be the bible, Greek mythology, fiction, or nonfiction that a comeback is hard to do.  And the more times you fall, the harder the comeback.  A few examples: Samson, Icarus, Snow White, George Bush…I know it may seem silly now but do some research on how these people digressed and how hard their comeback was if they made a comeback at all.  Check out the people in the bible wondering around in the desert for 40 years…who does that?

Those that digress.

Doing what is right is a hard task.  But the choice itself is the easy part.  Maintaining that mantra is the difficult part.  Exhibit A:  Fad diets do not work.  In order to achieve the body or weight that you desire, it requires working out.  Once you lose the weight, you cannot stop working out or you will gain it back.  You have to keep going.  At another point, your body will reach a plateau and you will have to change your routine and work even harder to maintain your choice.  Add a respectable diet to the mix and you have your work cut out for you.  It is unending. 

Digression…

To digress means that you have made a choice to give up, to not fight, to not be the bigger person, to not say “no,”  and to disrespect yourself.  And if you don’t respect yourself, why should anything or anyone else?

The Notebook

I am a late comer to this movie. Many have seen it and known of it's brilliance for a long time. I have only known of it for a moment. Ironically I cannot recall my reaction from the first time I saw it which can only indicate that it was extremely emotional. As much as I love my blockbuster classic collection, this is not one that I can archive.  It brings about too many emotions at once. Yet it is bitter sweet in that if I do catch it on tv, I cannot tear myself away from it. That happened tonight. I know I haven't blogged in a bit...I likely have been avoiding it. Today I could not dodge the keys. I wanted to go to sleep. I wanted to close my eyes and go to my happy place. Instead I ended up watching this movie. No sandman. No relief. Just me and the movie. I felt a headache coming on as I begin to think about past relationships, past Valentine's days...the past period. 

I would not describe my mood as unhappy. The only adjective I have at the moment without creating my own word would be reflection. It is already February. I feel like Thanksgiving will be next week and New Years shortly after. In other words, I feel like life is passing me by. When was the last time I stopped to smell the flowers? I tell myself that I am going to LIVE this year.   I feel more like I am trying to SURVIVE. 

What is most striking to me is how people loved and lived fearlessly back in the day. They wore their hearts on their sleeve. They would do anything for love. They enjoyed life. To court was exciting. Sex was sacred. Marriage was valued. People enjoyed their jobs and were committed to working hard not because of money but because it was the right thing to do.  Now, we work ourselves literally to death trying to attain a dream that most have given up on. We view marriage as business deals going in with divorce as a readily available option. We fool ourselves into thinking we are LIVING when really we are trying to escape from the monotony of our unfulfilling lives. We work at jobs we hate to make money to pay bills to survive. At the end of the day we collapse in exhaustion but can't sleep because we can only think of how we have to reset our brains to get up the next day to do it all over again. When it comes to love, we go in with our guards up not allowing others to get to know us. Instead we create a persona to "make it work" instead of being ourselves and allowing others to love us completely and totally. 

What's the point? Is it worth it? All this effort and what is the outcome? Misery? Complacency? I am not ok with having a life of mediocrity in any area. I want more. I deserve it. I don't have a plan as to how to attain it. I just know that I have to be open to it. And while I am waiting, I have to be in love with life. I have to be in love with myself. I have to be in love with what I do for a living. Just like an external relationship, this internal relationship is going to be hard. I'm gonna have to work at it everyday. But I'm worth it. I want an extraordinary life and I won't settle for less.

Dreams Deferred…

I haven’t written in awhile.  Mainly because I just didn’t know what to write about.  My mind has been all over the place and I can’t really pin point one thing to focus on.  That is the demise of my situation and the reason for my current state of mind as I write.  I had something weird happen to me and I am trying to “write it out.”  I hope it helps.

I am not a huge believer in horoscopes i.e. I read them but I don’t think they are prophecies or anything like that.  The one I got last night told me that I would have a dream and the dream would be disturbing enough for me to wake up in a frenzy.  Furthermore it told me not to worry about the people in the dream but more so what happened in the dream because that would be the message.  It also told me to write it down.

Unfortunately I rarely remember my dreams and if I do, it is only for a brief moment after I wake up.  The same happened this morning but now I am a bit upset that I can’t recall it because just as my horoscope stated, I woke up from this dream in a frenzy.  The people who were in the dream were not relevant to the message but I do at least remember the message which confirmed some things that I have been swaying over.

I titled this blog Dreams Deferred because I feel like I have not done some things that I want to do.  Lately I have had the pleasure of coming into contact with people that are reminding me to LIVE.  They have come in the strangest of packages too.  One was a complete stranger who reminded me that misery follows you everywhere you go and running away from the problem won’t make it go away.  As simple as it sounds, it was quite profound in its delivery.  Another was a project I was asked to participate in requesting that I write a letter to my younger self.  I never would have thought I would be telling my younger self some of the same things my parents told me.  Oh so many lessons learned!  Lastly was a comment from a sniper who stated that he does not care about dying but he does care about LIVING!  That was the best one.  He truly had an “it is what it is”/live in the moment mentality and I found myself envying that.

Yesterday I wrote down the date and realized that it was almost February.  Moreover, I realized that January was a blur.  2010 was a blur.  2009 is fuzzy…That is not how I want my life to be.  I don’t want to think back on the past and have blurred or fuzzy moments.  For me, those are indicators that I was not in a good space and I have mentally blocked out the memories because they evoke some type of negative mood.  I want to do better and I want to have better memories.

With that being said, today I decided that I am going to allow myself to dream.  I mean truly DREAM!  I will no longer talk myself out of or rationalize why my dreams cannot or should not come true.  Whether it is a day dream, night dream, nightmare, fantasy…I am going to allow it.  And then I am going to take the good or learn the lesson from it and make it happen.  I think it is awesome that when we were kids no one really disputed our dreams or fantasies.  We truly thought we could do and be anything.  Of course reality set in and we realized that we needed more than a wand and three wishes for our dreams to come to fruition.  But that still doesn’t mean they can’t come true.  They can…we just have to believe they can.  Dreams are equivalent to prayers and God promised He would answer them.  So let’s DREAM together! Besides, what do we have to lose?

Confusion

A simple, single word that wreaks havoc at the most inopportune moments.  What to do?  What to say?  How to act?  With this being a season of harvest, I would have thought things would have been a lot easier to handle.  But it seems as if the smarter and wiser I get, the more baffled I become.  Seeking God is a gamble i.e. you never know what you are going to get.  Sometimes you get a quick answer.  Other times, you might get sheer silence.  The most awkward response is when He shows you something and then changes His mind and sends you in a different direction.  Sometimes I wonder if God has comedy shows because I truly feel like He is getting his 7 chuckles in on me.  And the worst part is that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.  NOTHING!  I wouldn’t trade my love for and obedience to God for anything but that doesn’t mean this journey is not frustrating.  I am being tried and stretched more than a little bit and I am not certain how much more elastic my spirit has left.  My heart has expanded and contracted so much that it has stretch marks.  So now what?  I see the light at the end of the tunnel.  However, it almost feels like a mirage.  It’s not blinding…it’s almost fading.  I’m not sure which one is worse.  What I do know is that I have a cloud hovering over me and a blanket in my hand waiting for something (unsure what) to happen.  In the meantime, I scratch my naked temple almost to the white meat trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

A Love Letter to Dance

Dear Dance,

I have missed you greatly.  I can’t begin to explain how heartbroken I have been in your absence.  I’m not quite sure how we got estranged.  I think I started to doubt you.  Moreover, I started to doubt myself with you.  You were so good to me.  You always made me feel better when I was down.  I would wake up in the morning thinking about you and couldn’t wait to see you every day.  You had the answer to all of my woes.  But things became stagnant between us.  Seems like we reached a plateau and I didn’t know how to handle that.  Suddenly we weren’t doing the things we use to.  Our visits became less.  Our interaction lacked the passion it once had.  I started to view you as a chore.  At some point it became painful to be with you.  We still had our moments that were like old times.  That is what kept us together.  However, it wasn’t enough.  I even ventured out and tried to date others although none of them compared to you.  They still don’t compare to you.  When I am with you, I literally float on air.  I don’t even have to speak.  The smile on my face says it all.  Nothing else matters when we are together.  NOTHING!  You are like chicken soup to my soul.  Regardless of how long or how often we are separated, it’s always like the “first time” when we meet again.  I’m sorry I have let you down.  I started not to believe in you anymore.  I felt betrayed for awhile.  But now I realize it was me.  I started not to believe in me anymore.  When you reached out to me recently, I wasn’t sure how to respond.  I thought I was over you.  I was willing to accept that you had moved on and would no longer be a part of my life.  I had said my good bye for the last time.  However, when you touched me, I fell in love with you all over again.  And it feels so good!  I’ve come to realize that you are my soul mate.  No matter how much I try to leave you or you leave me, we will always come back to each other.  Why?  Because you are my TRUE love.  And because of that, I promise to NEVER leave you again.  We are one, always and forever!

Yours Truly,

A Dancer

When Your Fairytale Comes True...

What do you do when your fairytale comes true?  Have you ever gotten what you asked for?  Literally?  It’s funny to me how we pray fervently for things and then when we get them we run scared.  Better yet, we question it.  We make comments such as “It’s too good to be true” closely followed by a barrage of questions to turn something positive into something negative.  If someone is nice to us at work, we think “they must be up to something.”  If a man gives us flowers we think “he just wants some booty.”  If a relative gives us money we think “they will be asking for it back soon.”  Why such negativity?  Do we really believe that we are so horrible that we are not deserving of God’s blessings?  I think it is an insult to God to question our answered prayers.  I have been guilty of praying for MANY things only to get them and scrutinize the situation to pieces.  By the time I am done there is nothing good about the situation left to enjoy. 

What would happen if we allowed ourselves to enjoy the blessing?  To not question it but just hang on for the ride?  If someone is nice to us at work, it should make us happy.  If we receive a financial blessing, we should enjoy it.  If we have a happy relationship, we should be thankful for it!  I think we sometimes poison our own gardens.  If there are no weeds, we question the fruit.  Beautiful fruit hanging from the vines ripe for the picking, and we let it sit there opting to look and possibly touch it but never pick it.  Is it better to try and fail or not try at all? 

And why do we let others assist us in turning our clear glass of water into a murky brown substance unknown to most?  We allow others to help us create the questions in our mind…Others help us doubt God’s true power.  Last I was told, if something happens unexpectedly or without tangible reason, it HAS to be God!  That should make us excited…but instead it stimulates fear.  Isn’t that backwards?  We should be screaming from the mountaintops about what God has done for us.  Nevertheless we sit on the “secret” until it seems reasonable and within the expectation of the world’s timing.  Hmmmm….doesn’t sound too smart when looked at from that perspective.

You see, smart ones recognize when they are being ignorant.  Those filled with love recognize when they are being hateful.  Those who want to learn from their mistakes quickly acknowledge when they have made one.  My honest belief is that when we insult or question God’s blessing, He takes it away from us.  Since we can’t appreciate it, He repossesses it.  How many times have you complained about something, had your situation turned around, but still found something to complain about only to end up returning to the state of the original situation.  Time to start speaking positive and give praise for ALL things.  Perhaps if God could see that we are happy with what little He has given us, He will be more apt to give us more.  Point to ponder:  To whom much is given, much is required...The more blessings we receive the more praise we must give…Are you ready to give for what you get?

Self Destruct

Repeat this statement:  “The destruction of myself…begins with me.”  I wonder what would happen if we blamed ourselves for everything that has happened to us.  Not those things that are truly beyond our control but I am talking about those things we are totally accountable for.  The bad choices we have made…the wrong paths we have taken.  Unfortunately not everything is someone else’s fault.  But the majority of our irrational beliefs lead us to blame others for our flaws.  It is VERY difficult to look in the mirror and face the ugly truth about ourselves.  Even we can’t hide from our own faults.  Our most personal relationship besides with God is with ourselves.  I go to sleep every night and wake up every morning with me.  How I feel about myself when I close my eyes usually awakes me like a bucket of cold water when I reopen them.  It is amazing how often I wake up mad with me, hating me, mistreating me, not loving me…

It’s funny because there are times when I treat others better than myself.  Simple things but profound when put into perspective.  For example, I won’t drive like a speed demon or drive in inclement weather when I have passengers.  I value their life too much and would not be able to live with myself if something happened while I was in control of the vehicle.  But I would do those things if I were in the car alone. Hmmmmm…what does that say about how much I value my own life?  I will not bring certain male friends/associates around my family, friends, or students.  But I will consort with them outside of others…why?  If they are not “valued” enough to be introduced to family or friends (people’s whom opinions are of significance to me) then why am I wasting time with them in private?  I will encourage others to be role models and lead by example, yet I shy away from that calling.  Mainly because I know I am flawed and I don’t want my mistakes to become “contagious” per se.

So many defeating thoughts on a daily basis from endless sources make it so hard to be positive.  It is more of a struggle to be positive than negative. Negativity seems to come so naturally.  Backwards but true!  It’s so natural that it will cause you to talk yourself out of a positive situation…Find all the faults before recognizing the good, ponder all the things that could go wrong before considering what could go right.  The self doubt is debilitating.  It will even make you run from relationships.  Why?  Because you cannot pretend to be who you want to be without the person you really are showing up at some point.  And when in a real relationship, all of the truths reveal themselves.

We want people to be accepting of us but are we accepting of ourselves?  We want people to look past our flaws but do we look past our own?  We want others to forgive us but do we forgive ourselves?  It’s only when we truly love and accept ourselves that we can love and accept others.  Otherwise we are constantly looking for love in the form of validation from others rather than looking for true love from within.  “Superman” can’t save us from ourselves.  We have to wear our own cape and go on a very personal rescue mission.  Until then, we will continue to self destruct.

A Letter to my Exes

Love don't live here anymore. Not for you anyway. You couldn't appreciate what you had...until I took it from you. And now you are calling, texting, emailing, and showing up unannounced trying to tempt me with foul bile from your lips. I think not. 

You still haven't gotten your ish together. But now you frontin like you know better. My vision is clear. I am no longer swayed by your lies. The fog is lifted. I see right through you. All the the fiction you fed me was poisoned. The three acts of your play were worthy of oscar buzz. I fell for it. You were talented...but sloppy. I found the original playwright and called you on it. You had no lines. The truth would have set you free but you chose prison over me. It's all good though...karma!

Back then I racked my brain rendering insomnia trying to figure out my role in your movie. Leading lady or extra? I found out that I wasn't even on the set. I went through an identity crisis as I blamed myself for your shortcomings...touché. I labeled myself with characteristics that did not belong to me...I was a reflection of you right? You were the worst and in turn brought out the worst in me. Thanks to my free will I was able to catch myself from turning into the dark leech that you already had become sucking the life and love out of me. Most think I should hate you...

But I don't.
Thanks to you I have learned a valuable lesson about love. Thanks to you I know how to spot a phony who does not have my best interest at heart. Thanks to you, I know how to appreciate the one who knows how to appreciate me. Thanks to you, I am free to be me. I am free to give and receive real love without the intricacies of deceit. Thanks to you, someone who deserves me is getting the absolute best of me. Thanks to you, I am the epitome of love. And I'm sure you hate me, because you can't have me. But isn't that the story of life? Hindsight is 20/20. And I know I look good to you, but I'm over it now. Nonetheless, I still want to say Thank You!

Free Association

Today I decided to just sit down and type.  Whatever comes to mind is what shall be “written.”  Aaaaaaaaannnnnndddddd ACTION!

Are you what you want others to be?  In his song Statistics, Lyfe Jennings stated “don’t be a nickel out here looking for a dime.”  Powerful and true.  If you want to have a best friend, be a best friend.  Don’t just call when you need help.  Check on the other person.  Pick up the phone and say “I just called to see how YOU were doing.”  Actually listen to them sometimes.  Be the lending ear that you want others to be.

If you want a good man, be a good woman.  Quit bitching and complaining about what he won’t do and appreciate what he does do.  Maybe if you quit criticizing him so much, he will do more.  Ok, so he didn’t wash the clothes like you would have.  But they got washed didn’t they?  Your way is not always the best way.  I have often heard this quote and now I totally believe in it…Do you want to be “right” or do you want to be “happy” in your relationship? 

If you want a good woman, be a good man.  Don’t make promises that you are not going to keep.  Don’t say you are going to do something and then don’t do it.  Furthermore, don’t act like everything is ok after YOU fucked up.  Don’t call 3 days later when you were suppose to call 10 minutes later.  Really?  Does that add up to you?  And you have the nerve to ask us “what’s wrong?” 

When relationships go awry, don’t always assume there is another person.  Maybe the problem is you.  Perhaps you aren’t doing your part.  Maybe you aren’t still doing the things you use to do in the relationship when it first began.  Perhaps you are getting in the way of your own happiness.  Be committed to go the distance.  Especially if you are married…you made a promise to God.  I don’t think you want to break that one.

A reflection of 2010 has definitely made me anxious and excited about 2011.  I am beginning to get my hopes up but I also don’t want to be let down.  I don’t want to seem cliché-ish as if I only reflect once a year.  I reflect often because I am constantly evolving.  But it is hard not to do it twice as much when everyone else is making resolutions and such.  Guilty by association I suppose.  Nonetheless, I have been using several mantras as of late i.e. “I have tunnel vision in 2011,”  “I’m going to dance/laugh as much as I can in 2011,” “I’m over it before it begins in 2011,” and “Zero tolerance in 2011.”  These sayings all have different sources but the ultimate outcome is a better me.

The cycle is everlasting.  I had a physician tell me once that the human being is like a table with 4 legs.  If 1 of the 4 legs is not stable, the table will wobble.  I realize that my 4 legs of my table are mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional.  The devil attacks me in the same way each time.  And when one of my legs becomes unstable, I began to falter in other areas.  Pretty soon my whole damn table has hit the ground and I have to figure out how to put it back together again.  The other day a person I never expected to hear say something this profound made me think about the table analogy from a different angle.  He said “I have been trying to manage myself but it is impossible to manage instability.”  Hmmmm…I have been trying desperately to keep my table from wobbling.  I have put a piece of paper under the short leg of the table but it only last temporarily.  I tried to move the table around or close to a wall for extra support to no avail.  Still shaky!  I have realized that I have no choice but to fix the broken leg…period.  That may require a little or a lot…but it requires something and it also requires immediate attention.

Thanks to this wobbly leg, I have been in limbo about life.  I had yet another person that I did not expect to learn anything from say to me that having so many talents is a blessing and a curse in that you can do so many things but you can’t seem to focus on one thing to do.  True!  I have been blessed with the use of both sides of my brain.  Yet I still find myself searching for me…trying to figure out who I am and where I fit in.  I don’t mind breaking the mold per se but my putty still seems too soft.  I have no form to conform to so that I can rebel and become an individual.  It’s much like that cruel joke…which came first the chicken or the egg?

Regardless, I am attempting to look at this adventure to the “center of me” in a positive light.  View it as a reinvention of myself.  Frame it as my second life.  Create a fresh me from scratch.  I will be taking my blog followers along for the ride.  Best buckle up!  It might be a bumpy ride but much worth it!