I Digress...

I am starting to think that there really isn’t such a thing as “something new.”  It seems to me that each thing that we do, decision that we make, is merely a remix of something that already exists.  Because we have gotten use to one thing in particular, it must become stronger for us to recognize it the next time around.  Case/point…the devil rarely reinvents the wheel.  Sex was the downfall of man from the beginning.  It is still the down fall of man now.  Women rule with what is between their legs.  I am not saying this is the only way that a woman can rule, but it is probably the most powerful tool according to a survey of men.  Addicts claim sobriety but generally switch one addiction for another i.e. alcohol and/or drugs for coffee and cigarettes.  Go to any addiction group session and during break and 90% of the people will be outside smoking or hanging out around the coffee pot.  Someone who has an anger problem may be able to manage it by finding a task or job that allows them to use their anger in a “legal” manner i.e. boxers, UFC, military, law enforcement, etc. 

The digression comes when we think we have mastered a thing or built up enough resistance to overcome said weakness.  At times we may become cocky and think there is no need to work on resistance or maintenance any longer.  Or we may just grow tired of fighting the feeling and we give in…briefly…to the desire that has so many consequences. 

And then we digress…

It takes less than a millisecond to make up your mind to do something stupid.  It takes forever to erase that moment in time once you realize what it is that you have done.  Stop.  Think.  Ask.

Is it worth it?

For those of us with a conscience, we spend hours and many sleepless nights trying to go back and rewind time.  Going back to that moment wishing that we had not done that thing…that one thing that will now be added to the list of regrets that we thought we had folded up and tucked away.  You know the list…the list of “I will never do ______ again.”  Usually this statement is followed by some type of “if” promise of getting us out of a horrid situation that came as a result of the digression.  What is the remedy?

Run!

Just run away from it.  Who cares what you look like?  I would rather look like a fool running away from my Delilah (reference Samson) than to sit down and have a cup of tea with the devil while he singes my face with his hot ass breath congratulating me on fucking up.  (Excuse my language but you get the point!)  Yet we have SO many examples of what happens when we digress.  It is noted in many a source whether it be the bible, Greek mythology, fiction, or nonfiction that a comeback is hard to do.  And the more times you fall, the harder the comeback.  A few examples: Samson, Icarus, Snow White, George Bush…I know it may seem silly now but do some research on how these people digressed and how hard their comeback was if they made a comeback at all.  Check out the people in the bible wondering around in the desert for 40 years…who does that?

Those that digress.

Doing what is right is a hard task.  But the choice itself is the easy part.  Maintaining that mantra is the difficult part.  Exhibit A:  Fad diets do not work.  In order to achieve the body or weight that you desire, it requires working out.  Once you lose the weight, you cannot stop working out or you will gain it back.  You have to keep going.  At another point, your body will reach a plateau and you will have to change your routine and work even harder to maintain your choice.  Add a respectable diet to the mix and you have your work cut out for you.  It is unending. 

Digression…

To digress means that you have made a choice to give up, to not fight, to not be the bigger person, to not say “no,”  and to disrespect yourself.  And if you don’t respect yourself, why should anything or anyone else?

The Notebook

I am a late comer to this movie. Many have seen it and known of it's brilliance for a long time. I have only known of it for a moment. Ironically I cannot recall my reaction from the first time I saw it which can only indicate that it was extremely emotional. As much as I love my blockbuster classic collection, this is not one that I can archive.  It brings about too many emotions at once. Yet it is bitter sweet in that if I do catch it on tv, I cannot tear myself away from it. That happened tonight. I know I haven't blogged in a bit...I likely have been avoiding it. Today I could not dodge the keys. I wanted to go to sleep. I wanted to close my eyes and go to my happy place. Instead I ended up watching this movie. No sandman. No relief. Just me and the movie. I felt a headache coming on as I begin to think about past relationships, past Valentine's days...the past period. 

I would not describe my mood as unhappy. The only adjective I have at the moment without creating my own word would be reflection. It is already February. I feel like Thanksgiving will be next week and New Years shortly after. In other words, I feel like life is passing me by. When was the last time I stopped to smell the flowers? I tell myself that I am going to LIVE this year.   I feel more like I am trying to SURVIVE. 

What is most striking to me is how people loved and lived fearlessly back in the day. They wore their hearts on their sleeve. They would do anything for love. They enjoyed life. To court was exciting. Sex was sacred. Marriage was valued. People enjoyed their jobs and were committed to working hard not because of money but because it was the right thing to do.  Now, we work ourselves literally to death trying to attain a dream that most have given up on. We view marriage as business deals going in with divorce as a readily available option. We fool ourselves into thinking we are LIVING when really we are trying to escape from the monotony of our unfulfilling lives. We work at jobs we hate to make money to pay bills to survive. At the end of the day we collapse in exhaustion but can't sleep because we can only think of how we have to reset our brains to get up the next day to do it all over again. When it comes to love, we go in with our guards up not allowing others to get to know us. Instead we create a persona to "make it work" instead of being ourselves and allowing others to love us completely and totally. 

What's the point? Is it worth it? All this effort and what is the outcome? Misery? Complacency? I am not ok with having a life of mediocrity in any area. I want more. I deserve it. I don't have a plan as to how to attain it. I just know that I have to be open to it. And while I am waiting, I have to be in love with life. I have to be in love with myself. I have to be in love with what I do for a living. Just like an external relationship, this internal relationship is going to be hard. I'm gonna have to work at it everyday. But I'm worth it. I want an extraordinary life and I won't settle for less.