Death

Funny how death makes you think about life…and life makes you think about death.  When sudden, it makes you wonder when your time is coming.  When expected, it makes you wonder can you deal with the torturous process of watching someone deteriorate.  Death is not gray.  It is very black.  It is final.  No more what ifs, should have, or could haves.  Death is The End.  Death can make you live your life in fear or live your life fearless.  Death can make you Bipolar.  One minute you are ready to call all your loved ones and tell them all the things you have been meaning to say since you were 10 years old.  The next minute you are panicking and trying to hide things that you hope no one will ever find out even after you are gone. 

Death (and weddings)  bring out the absolute worst in people.  Emotions are charged, no one can agree on anything, family secrets are no longer secrets, and everyone feels the need to satiate their grief with food, alcohol, and cigarettes.  Most of all, everyone is scared to be alone during a time of death.  Not because of the deceased, but because of their own thoughts.  Those thoughts that have been suppressed.  Those thoughts that have been avoided.  Those thoughts about your personal life…what you have accomplished…what you haven’t accomplished…who you love…who you hate…whom have you forgiven…so many questions!  The main query?  If you die tomorrow, will you have done all you wanted to do? Will you be ready to be judged?  But in all fairness, are we suppose to be ready?  And if so, how do we get ready?

 I look back on my life and I am happy with it.  I have no severe complaints.  However, I also know that I want the next phase of my life to be different…better.  I think of times that are not settled in my spirit and I want to correct them but am uncertain how.  I think about people I need to sever ties with.  Not because I hate them per se but merely because they are not good for me.  I think about all the tangible things that most people think about especially when approaching a birthday i.e. family, home, finances, etc. and I wonder if I am where I should be.  I wonder if this is all there is for me.  I wonder if there is more…or less…

I don’t want to be radical yet I don’t want to be sensible about how I live the rest of my life.  I don’t want to be controlling but I also don’t want to be out of control.  I want to be happy but not by media or society’s definition of happy.  I was told that Iyanla Vanzant spoke of her trials and tribulations on an Opera interview and how ultimately she is happy doing less than what the world expected of her.  When she was chasing the “American Dream” she was miserable.  Now as I understand it, she is selling candles from a little shop and has a joy that can’t be moved.  That is definitely something to chew on!

So many people are attempting to have picture perfect lives on the outside but are rotting on the inside.  They have the model husband or wife but they cannot carry out a simple conversation.  They have the two story home and the picket fence but can’t pay the mortgage.  They have kids but don’t have time to spend with them because they are working overtime to live outside of their means.  They dress really nice but are lonely claiming they don’t need anyone in their lives because they have been hurt before.  They have parents or siblings that they don’t speak to anymore because of a disagreement that no one can even recall the details of.  Is this the way to live?

Homeless people and children are some of the happiest people in the world.  They don’t worry about tomorrow.  They live for today.  The simplest things make them happy.  They are happy because the sun is shining.  They will dance in the rain.  They will smile when they are missing teeth!  Their joy comes from somewhere within.  It is not based on others.  It is not based on material things.  It is based on personal, intangible satisfaction.  That is a true blessing…that is what I want…that is what I will strive for…Death has always had an adverse effect on me.  But the more I age, the more impact it has…in a positive way.  I feel as though I have been running the same race long enough.  Now it is time to switch lanes.  Is it time for you to change lanes too?